La vie d'amour

Burnout

2012-03-01T20:37:00.003-08:00

In his autobiographical novel, What I talk about when I talk about running, Haruki Murakami described writing as a black hole of darkness. It is. It is an act of passion, but it can be dark and soul-consuming. Now I am at the point where I am just completely drained and lost at how to channel my writing in the right directions. It’s quite painful to stare at the computer screen and lament my lack of creative flow.

Reading his biography, written by his longtime translator Jay Rubin, Haruki Murakami and the Music of Words was truly inspiring. In many ways, I truly admire Murakami’s philosophies in writing and in life – aside from his novels and short stories. One of the elements I truly admire from him is his discipline. He has an enormous well of discipline in himself to practice a healthy and balanced lifestyle. He was like the Bokus (I’s) he writes in his fictions – humble, ordinary and simple yet he has a knack of spotting the extraordinary in a human character. Until today, he is one of the writers I believe I could respect and admire for writing and philosophy alone.

I realise there are two types of people. The first is a person who is truly and completely passionate about their work, that their work takes precedent above all else (material wealth, praises, fame, career rise). They focus only on their passion and personal improvement, shunning any external factors in their lives. But because these people’s iron will in perfecting their art – the rest come to them.

Then there are the second group of people – the ambitious ones, I would call them. They work only for the external factors, but neglect their passion. For this, they become burnt out and then they begin to fall into a pattern of blaming anything and everything for their loss of concentration and growth. I wish with all my heart I would never be like that, but look at me now – I am merely toeing the line. It’s time to reconnect to my old self.

“And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” - Thomas Wayne

Weary Once More

2012-01-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

It is truly amazing how a week of well-earned vacation just dissaparated thanks to the efforts of a truly annoying and energy-sapping person. A test to my resilience given by God I am sure.

Zen, zen, zen, Lily. Don't let this affect you too much.

On another note, I have had a great return back to KL, though a part of me misses the simplicity of SP life once more. I miss a few of my secondary school friends deeply, where I can really and truly be myself around them and my heart is light and happy when we meet.

Sigh.

Hometown Glory

2012-01-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

It still have not sunk in upon my return that I am in SP. It is only today, while my dad was taking us out for breakfast in our Kancil and we cruised along the streets and the tree leaves are doing a graceful dance along the road that it really and truly sank in that I am home. How sad is that?

When I am back, it kicks up a nostalgic feeling, like it always do. But this time, there is a nuance of shame buried within the nostalgia. Coming back to this beautiful and sleepy town, it reminded me that I made many, many dreams as I lived here in my childhood.Yes, I have accomplished some of my dreams definitely...but what about the rest? Where is that sense of determination I once harboured as a young, optimistic girl? Have I became so jaded that I have stepped on the hamster wheel and never looked back? Now I knew why I have become so confused last year...I have not been back in SP often enough to reconnect with my old self.

Change is good, I know that. I have become stronger and tougher...and I am more expressive than I was in my past. Maybe too expressive. I used to be so closed up and timid, and the city life has changed me to a more expressive and opinionated person. But I noticed my determination to improve myself has whittled away from distractions in city life, because I allowed my environment to tell me that I am busy. In truth, I am not. I have wasted seconds away...precious as they are.

City of Colour

2012-01-25T16:07:00.000-08:00

There are sometimes that it felt surreal that I have walked this city that I have dreamt and longed to visit for a very long time. And it sure never felt so good, walking in the summer sunshine and basking in the cool sea breeze amongst the thousands of people who walked and strutted with such purpose. It was unlike in Berlin and Sydney, where the unfamiliar faces left a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like being in Singapore, with the only notable difference is that people in HK are more alive in comparison. People in Singapore, while bustling and vibrant in their own way, do not have that energy and colour like residents of HK, that quick dimple in their startling smiles or that flashsilver spark in their eyes when they are mad at you for whatever strange reasons. And despite it all, I am irrevocably in love and long for the day I could walk in the streets of HK again.

Written Once More

2012-01-17T02:33:00.001-08:00

Three years and two months has passed.

My heart has grown bigger and fuller, my laughter richer and heartfelt. My heavy shoulders are no longer heavy because I know there is a place to share my burdens with, as we exchange pieces of our existence with each other with honesty and trust. There is a warm hand, always ready to grasp mine, when all seems lost. There is a smile to greet me with soft, understanding compassion when I need to cry.

Three years and two months. A long time, but with each passing moment, it feels merely like a whisper of fabric floating in a gentle breeze. There are many memories to cherish, many moments to smile over.

There is a place in my heart, untouched and pure, just for you forever, whatever may be.

Here’s to another anniversary, and to more memories to make together.

Step by Step

2012-01-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I interviewed a watchmaker, who was like a rockstar. He looked like one too, with a mop of curly hair ala Neil Gaiman ( who is a rockstar of the literary world) and these intense eyes that are quite piercing. He talked about time travelling with his watches when he designs, moving back and forth between the eras of the watchmaking greats and the future of watches with ease by imagination. This is true. I may not be able to go to the future with my imagination, but it's the start of everything: the past, present and future. Definitely something to ponder upon.

The picture above is taken last year in June, when I was in Kuching for the Rainforest World Music Festival 2011. It was one of the workshops held in the area and I eagerly joined one of the classes to learn something new. Together with Petrina, I signed up for some Latvian folk dancing and had such a blast. Till today, I can still recall dancing and laughing in exhilaration as we danced our cares away in bare feet and reaching out sweaty hands to a stranger to connect the line with a radiant smile. We were all strangers at that spot in that moment in time, but I have never seen so many merry and happy faces smiling back at me as we held hands and jigged away for the hour. When it was over, I was spent...but so very happy.

I have many photos like these...photos that take me back to the past and question my future. Maybe this is my very own way to time travel - through snapshots of images that happened in my life. Even so, if I want to, these images could be my future - if I just continue to believe and dream.

End of a Year

2011-12-31T04:27:00.000-08:00

It's 2012 within a few hours and while the old me would have gladly go through traffic to watch fireworks in the new year, the me today is just content pottering around the house with the family while reflecting over the year that went.

I suppose it has been an interesting year....and I can summarise it in the pros and cons.

Cons:

1) I lost my grip on my life as the year went on....falling into old bad habits that I swore to eradicate in 2010. I am doing my best to keep my hold on things. This is a shame for me.
2) Falling sick more often. Not good.

Pros:

1) Did my first travel with the girls to Singapore! That was fantastic.
2) Finally traveled to Hong Kong and Bangkok! Whoopee!
3) Made a switch to a new project that is exciting to embark on.
4) Reconnected with old friends more than ever.
5) Got a new phone, which kinda changed my life forever! Happiness maximum!
6) Celebrated three years of happiness. :)
7) Made my first investment purchase in the early of the year...and then later another one in the late of the year. I feel quite grown up!
8) Lost weight and inches! All from falling unwell, but it's a positive thing I lost weight...I guess?
9) Watched Lion King The Musical - best experience ever!

All in all, a good year...and here's to a better one in 2012!:)

Pity Party

2011-12-09T06:46:00.001-08:00

At this very moment, I am uncertain about how I feel. Surrounded by clutter and a long list of to-dos pushing its way to the forefront of my mind, frazzled is the least of my feelings right now. I long to laugh at myself…here I am thinking I am a grown up but in reality, I am not. I am just a young, terrified girl playing at grown up in matters of life, and that scares me a great deal. Plus I am not very well at the moment, so I am exhausted and feeling like…well…crap.

Argh, no more feeling trapped, Lily. You have a life. Go and own it

Turning Tables On Me

2011-10-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

My heart is pounding. My body is warm. But it’s so good to have a sip of mocha ice blended after so long.

Adele is blaring on speakers now and I feel my heart hurt at her vocals. It’s beautiful from start to finish – pure, strong and emotional. Melancholy plagues my thoughts as her haunting voice creeps from the radio.

There is so much of life to embrace but my heart remains irrevocably guarded. There’s a lot of me in my fears and my uncertainties – but as long as I have the ability to love and forgive, I suppose I’ll be alright.

"It's time to say goodbye to turning tables..."

At the Border Between Hysteria and Stress

2011-10-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

So it’s mad time again. Like literally mad. I am going insane keeping up with the emails, notes, requests, future interviews, stories, events, transcribing and research. The problem is I am such a freaking OCD when it comes to work that it’s stressing me up. It’s absolutely crazy and I am rushing everything the best I can because everything is just lined up – one after the other. I refuse to turn in bad work –quite OCD about that – so I am working harder than usual to keep things fuss-free.

I just want to sit down and contemplate everything but my mind is in such a puddle of goo that just sorting through the dirt and fluff takes a while. It’s days like these when it’s hard to relax and motivate myself. I love what I do – no question about that! – but I find it hard to let go of the fog clouding my mind in moments of stress to make way for ideas and possibilities. I know my OCD is an asset but it’s driving me crazy.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay. Deep breaths. I can do this.

Steve Jobs

2011-10-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

Having heard about all the stories about how Apple generates cultists and evangelists, I have always stayed away from the Apple hype if I could help it. I mean, I grew up with a PC and it truly did not matter to me whether the product was ‘cool’. As long as it is user-friendly, I am all good with using anything. No brand loyalty, you could say.

But once I started working, I was taught to use an iMac for the first time – and I was blown away. Everything in the computer is designed and compact in the monitor so this made it so convenient for me – not to mention space saving. Plus everything was just seamless and the cool factor was just so seductive for me to grudgingly admit that Mac is pretty awesome once you start using it. Then the iPod shuffle and the iPhone came into my life and before I knew it, I was transformed to an Apple fan. That means, yes – I am one of the people who deeply mourn the loss of Steve Jobs when he passed away a few days ago.

This was when I went on a research rampage to dig up more about the life of this genius. While I do admit that he seem cold and tyrannical by some accounts, but he was undoubtedly a visionary – a man who refused to be confined by what the public thought of him. His life is full of challenges: born out of wedlock, he was a college dropout and he was kicked out of the same company he founded. But each experience never seemed to dampen his spirit and enthusiasm. He continued pursuing his vision without fear or hesitation and I must say, this is truly inspiring.

I was deeply moved by his Stanford University commencement speech in 2005, which was so brutally honest and candid. “No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but some day not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true,” were his words. This was poignant to me because it was true. The topic of death still scares me, but it is inevitably true.

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And, most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” At this quote, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Because I can relate to this. Not anymore I hope.

Here’s to you, Steve. Gone too soon, before you could finally and truly change the world.

Your soul lives forever, everytime we hear that Apple chime, everytime we watch a Pixar movie, everytime we listen to music on our iPods, everytime we fiddle with our iPhone or iPad. You will be deeply missed.

This one's for you and me

2011-09-23T01:52:00.001-07:00

There are moments like today when it feels as if the pain of living in society is becoming too much. I have always been confused by the habits and the ways in which humans feed on each other like vultures to elevate themselves higher. People may dislike how I live, surrounding myself with a bubble and staying in it and filling it with butterflies, rainbows and sunshine. I don’t care if you resent me, I don’t care if you wish to take advantage of my kindness. I let you do it because I am getting something out of it myself. But once that reason for being taken advantage of has flickered away, you can be sure you will see me hightailing my way out of your life as quickly as I came into it.

People exhaust me. They really do. I am disgusted by all the pain and dirt we unload on each other without sifting through them on whether it is necessary or not. That’s why I am always content with keeping my circle of friends small and neat. In that sense, I am a true Virgo. I prune my friend list as meticulously as I choose a life partner. I shun making friendships with people who are so consumed by their own insecurities they are unable to pull themselves out of the abyss. All they can see is their own side of the story, so I am just unbothered to change their minds.

Today someone asked me, if I really could take every shit that comes my way and go on living in hostility. I told her I can. I had and I will. I live by this code by, you may be a jerk or bitch to me all you want but I am not going to sink to that level. I have no need of your negative feelings hovering over me, so you can keep and harbour them until the day you die. At the end, who loses? It sure won’t be me or my soul.

I did let them get to me once, all these ugly feelings. I let them consume me for one brief night where I lay down in bed with miserable thoughts crowding my mind. Why? Why? Why? What did I ever do to you? And then I realised the answer. It was because I was happy. They wanted me to be unhappy and be like them, lonely and negative. It was then I snapped out of it. I can’t give them the satisfaction of pulling me down. I have a whole full life to live, and their insecurities are not worth a dime in my books.

So when I find myself being comforted by warm hugs by my loved ones and whispered encouragement from my true friends, I was awash with bliss again. I really am the luckiest girl in the world. And nothing anyone else say or do will change that for me again.

Review: Jane Eyre (2011 film)

2011-09-01T23:44:00.000-07:00

I remembered my first encounter with Jane Eyre. I was about fourteen, poking through my creepy school library during my duties as a librarian and found this old, ancient tome tucked in the literature corner. Now, I have always been into old, classic novels: Little Women, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility. So I was naturally curious when I stumbled upon this novel. I quickly borrowed the battered, yellowed book to read it at home.

Reading Jane Eyre was a extraordinary experience for me, being a teenager in a small town with no exposure to the outside world. It was a splendid mix of horror (I later found the word was Gothic) and romance with a bit of feminism thrown in. I rushed out and bought a copy of my own because I wanted to own this piece of literary wonder that bewitched me. Until today, it is one of the most intriguing novel ever written in my eyes.

Like any devotee, I would eagerly watch the movie version of the book. I found myself not-so-impressed with the one acted by William Hurt and Charlotte Gainsbourg, but I was pleased with the BBC TV series version in 2006. However, when I heard that there will be another remake starring Mia Wasikowska and Michael Fassbender, I knew I had to watch this movie to see if it was up to par with the book.

Reader, I must say, this is one of my most favourite adaptations of the book, on par with the BBC TV series in 2006. There is plenty to admire from start to finish: the beautiful and lush cinematography, the inspiring acting, the chemistry between the characters. It was as if director Cary Fukunaga had extracted some of the best bits of the novels and wove them beautifully together into a seamless work of art. The story unfolds in an unconventional way – starting with Jane fleeing away from Thornfield and her beloved Rochester after he told her his heatbreaking secret. In the beautiful moors, she was taken in by local parish, St John Rivers (delightfully played with stern solemnity by Jamie Campbell). Her tale is then told in flashbacks in between her time spent with St John and his sisters in the Moor House.

We learnt that Jane was an orphan raised by her aunt, who resented the child as a burden. Despite the difficult environment of her childhood – both from her upbringing and her time in a boarding school under a hypocritical and cruel man – she cultivated a strong character and a desire to be a free and independent woman . Her life took a different path when she was sent off to work as a governess in Thornfield, a mysterious castle owned by the elusive Edward Fairfax Rochester.

Her arrival in Thornfield was uneventful, as she was warmly welcomed by the gossipy yet kind-hearted housekeeper Mrs Fairfax (the marvellous Dame Judi Dench added her own nuances to the supporting role).She immediately attends to the duties of educating Adele Varens, the French ward of Mr. Rochester. One day, wistful about the world that lay over the borders of Thornfield, she heeded the advice of Mrs Fairfax and went on a walk to clear her mind. There, she finally encountered her master in the misty garden – setting off the beginning of her evolution from a child to a woman.

Despite a cold and formal conversation after that tense first meeting, Jane found herself captivated by Rochester, who was older than her and possess a more cynical and sinister worldview than herself. Actress Mia kept a stoic front in her portrayal of Jane even as her character falls deeply in love with her master, even as gossip indicated that Rochester was to be wed with the snooty Blanche Ingram of his similar ranking in society. Here I would like to add that I wished that Mia had injected more lovelornness in her feelings so that when Rochester finally declares his love for her we could truly taste her happiness. Swept by her joy, Jane tries to ignore that creeping sense of unease that something was not right in this Gothic home and that her beloved husband-to-be was hiding something from her.

Of course all is not what seems and the truth of Rochester’s secret is brought to light on the same day that Jane was to be wed to Rochester. Torn between her own love for him and her morality, she decides to preserve her dignity by running away. Under the kindness of the Rivers siblings, Jane finally accomplished her long-cherished dream of living a quiet and solitary life independent and free. But despite her change in fortune as time passes, Jane still yearns for Rochester and it was not until much tragedy later that she was reunited with him once again.

Micheal Fassbender is a marvel to watch in the film – impersonating the tortured and cynical Byronic hero with his eyes and facial expressions. His highlight in this film was at the scene where he begged her to stay with him before her abrupt departure from Thornfield (a climax in the book as well) and he was broken apart by the fact that the ‘fairy’ whom he believed would save his soul was not able to be by his side completely. While I was aware the scene would come from the book, Fassbender’s spectacular delivery of pain and anguish was so moving I actually shed a few tears.

The chemistry between the actors was a winning point of this movie, especially between Rochester and Jane, which carries off the entire story-line. I could feel the excitement when the two carried out a tense yet spirited discussion over the fire after their first encounter where you could clearly see the attraction between the characters. The buildup to their sparkling declaration of love was beautifully done, although I still think Jane could be more lovelorn instead of too stern in her countenance. Yes I am aware of it is how Jane should behave but it would have add more spark in the end don’t ya think? I also liked the chemistry between Jane and St John especially the scene where she was adamant in refusing his offer of a loveless marriage. Mia, a young and spirited actress, is truly the face to watch in the movie.

That being said, I do have a few bones to pick with the movie, especially the sudden ending. To me, the best part of the book was when she was finally reunited with Rochester and the tables are turned: she is wealthy and free, while he is no longer able and is dependent yet he eagerly accepts the redemption of Jane’s love in sake of his pride. I feel it was necessary to include this part in the book to keep the balance of the film, but then again that is my opinion. Regardless, this is an enjoyable movie that will surely make this beloved fiction popular among young girls yet again.

That Walk

2011-08-30T07:06:00.000-07:00

Finding time in between a busy travel schedule to take a walk is crucial in my clock. No matter where I travel, I always block off about half an hour to explore a place and uncover hidden treasures. When I was in Santubong (Sarawak) for the Rainforest World Music Festival, I squeezed in much-needed minutes to take a walk in the hilly trails and pebble-covered paths to find a hidden, secluded beach I have heard off from my British roommate.

It was a quick, brisk walk. Along the way, I bumped to friendly locales who asked me that one question I have always been familiar: "Chinese or Malay?" It was amusing, in retrospect, that I was miles away from home but the people here in Sarawak are as curious about my origins as their counterparts in the main peninsular.

Like I always do, I flash that smile and say, "Chinese." They flash me that confused but I-think-I-understand smile and spoke no more. I bid them farewell and was on my way.

But all in all, it was a great walk. Breezy and cool, with many tall, tall trees as a shade. When I finally found the beach, it was empty as it could be at 10am in the morning. The only sound I could hear was the crashing of the waves on the beach, and the loud calls of birds overhead. I stood there, with the wind flapping my tie-dyed orange skirt, and watched that calm scene, allowing my thoughts to drain away and flitter away like the whirling leaves in the sand.

A letter to my sixteen year old self

2011-07-22T03:34:00.000-07:00

At this present moment, you probably would have fallen in love for the first time and feeling lost and confused. You are probably Googling up horoscope compatibility on your slow dial-up connection and writing furiously in your diary about how you feel. You are also terrified right? Because you have never felt so strongly about a person before, and it scares you? You find yourself avoiding him when all you want to do is show him how you feel.

I have bad news for you. You will be in and out in your feelings for him for the next four years or so. You will meet other cute, funny and engaging guys who you will crush on for a moment or two, but you will still be drawn back to this first guy you believe you loved from when you were sixteen. But have faith, these patches of rough, emotional waves will all be over once you accept the truth that you and him are not meant to be. All you need to do is accept and believe in how strong you are and how you can deal with anything in life.

Your family members will be there for you. But you already know that. You have always loved them. Always and forever. Besides your family will always do the best for you, such as moving down to KL to be with you and your brother, who you will cherish even more as you grow older.

In a few months time, you will take a risk and try joining a journalism programme during school holidays. It will be your first taste on the weird aspect of human nature, alien to your sheltered lifestyle. (Keep an eye out for the chain-smoking, foul-mouthed lady who is the model of the future women you will meet in the future). Let go of your prejudices and accept these unique people, because this is how you will learn to find your place in the world

Oh, take notice of this tall guy with longish hair and glasses who is in your group during the journalism programme. His name is Adrian. He will be the elder godbrother that you will find as a constant in your life despite a few years of time apart, albeit with short crew cut hair now. The fact that he loves cars will make him more endearing to your future…well, let’s not spoil that yet. I’ll tell you later.

About other aspects of life, you will probably be worried about your SPM but do not worry, you will get your wish of doing well. You would finally be able to leave your small town and go to the big city of KL with one of your close friends, Janice Kee. You and your close friend will go through four amazing years together. Her friendship and kindness will help you oversee through difficult assignments, course politics and heartbreak. You will both eventually go separate ways when she decides to leave KL to go back to Penang. But don’t let this stop you from trusting and baring your heart and soul to Jan throughout everything despite the impending separation, because no matter how far you both are apart, she will always be your sister in spirit and you both will always be close in heart and mind.

And oh, listen to her when she tries to teach you how to put makeup and dress for your body type. She will teach you a whole lot of stuff that will prove useful to you in your life. Make sure you spend time teaching her how to feel too. If possible, learn more Mandarin from her, I sure regretted not learning from her.

What about your old school friends? Don’t worry, you might be drifting in and out but you will always be close at heart with them. Yu Yuin and you will always be in each other’s confidence (like those good old days), and you will meet See May very often and reconnect every single time she returns. Same goes for the good old boys who you are fond of. Kar Yee? She will be your neighbour in KL in five years, and your favourite companion for Snowflake desserts.

The people you love will be a bigger circle once you enter college. There are a few people who will come and go in your life, but a few will remain. Three of these are Ruz, JW and Grace. Do memorise their names because they will be the ones who introduce you to the joys of city living. With them by your side, you will learn the reality of life and find yourself blooming into a flower like the name you will eventually adopt professionally and personally: Lily. You will have become braver from dancing Bollywood dances and putting together a play together with these new friends you lovingly call ‘The Duckies’ and ‘The Animal Family’. They will be your salvations from the stress of city living and be there for you through it all when you have bad days etc.

I am happy to report that you will get what you want in your dream career and you will be happy about that. You will be a writer. So you can be happy and satisfied to know you have fulfilled one of your childhood wishes. You can dream about other things and cast all your career fear aside. You will become a savvy, career woman. But be cautioned, while you will naturally adapt to the lifestyle of being a writer, you will need to take care of your inner self. Never lose yourself in pursuit of your career goals. Oh, you will stop being a pushover and finally grow a backbone somewhere between the college and working era.

You will be full of insecurities and low self esteem from time to time, but you need to have faith in your abilities. You will begin to explore spirituality and read more books that will pull you out of that fear of failure. Do not be afraid of setting boundaries if you need time alone, because if you do not take care of yourself, you will never be able to take care of those you love.

You will also soon become an expert in KL and Selangor and the mazes of the streets. You would have lived in many places in KL, including in the Hartamas vicinity which you will always treasure the memories. You will be wearing makeup, shopping and gasp, you would perm your hair. Yes, you will purposely take a train to KLCC (remember the place with Kinokuniya? You used to be so happy just to go. Guess what? KLCC will be your second home in six years time) and get your hair curled up. And you will love the entire girly process. You will love wearing dresses.

Yes, lift your jaw off the floor then.

What else? Your life will be transformed once you leave this country on your first overseas trip. Your eyes will open and you will soon have more opportunities to explore countries beyond your dreams. You will lose your child-minded philosophies and discard all pretention and be you again once you explore the many facets of yourself against different situations and backgrounds.

Hmm, I am sure you wanna talk about boys. You wanna know if you are ever gonna end up a single woman throughout your life since you will not end up with the guy you think you love at sixteen. No, you will learn to really fall in love, my young little sixteen year old. You will learn that it is not a burst of infatuation, nor is it full of pure rainbows and butterflies. You will learn that you will soon fall in love with a man slowly and gently and being a girlfriend to somebody comes as naturally to you as breathing.

Who is the guy? Well, the surprise is for you to find out. But I’ll give you a hint. Be nice to a guy you will meet during your degree’s orientation and flirt with him a wee bit. He will eventually be your friend and you will both become such good friends that you guys are always hanging out in classes. Next thing you know, oopsy daisy, you fall in love with him and his intelligence, his kindness and his compassion. He will make you laugh and comfort you when you are sad. You will go through things together with him that will make you a better person as a result. You will have more fun with him in car rides than you will with anybody else you will meet in your life. You will learn more about cars and thank Adrian who could talk to him better than you do about horsepower and all that (see the above).You will find his quiet strength and resilience reassuring during dark times and his unique brand of humour the medicine you need to go through the bitterness of life. And he will awaken a side of yourself you do not know possible. You will be loved.

Horoscope compatibility with him? Well, something never change I suppose. I am happy to report, the stars seem to favour his star sign and yours in comparison. But I think in time you will learn these things do not matter so much. But I can tell you, you will not be using dial up now. It’s called broadband, though I personally think it’s not that much of an improvement compared to overseas internet streaming speed.

But I digress.

You gotta wait for the 36 year old me to write to you if you wanna know what happens to this story between me and that man you will start to date at 21 years old, but I can tell you, at this present moment, this 24-year-old version of you is advising you to lift your chin up and believe that you will be fine with or without a man. Just be you. Coz that’s what I believe now.

Take good care and don’t worry. You will be fine.

Love,
Your 24-year-old

Smokescreen

2011-07-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

There are days when Insecurity call out my name out like a song, beckoning me over with a seductive smile - promising to be soft and gentle with me if I could just trust her for a bit. "Listen to me, I am a part of you," she whispers insistently, snaking around me like a smoke, pulling me in softly. As I relent, (What's the harm, right?) it is too late to realise that the grip on me is tight and vicelike, threatening to knock me off balance from the path I have chosen to take.

Then that's when I fight, kicking and screaming to free myself of the darkness that engulfs me from within. I cling to every light that slips through in my life to battle the darkness. Tiny, tiny specks of sparkly lights of hope. Guided by these shining little manifestations of wishes, I found myself on a train and then in a hair saloon having my hair permed beneath a silver metallic alien-looking device. It felt surreal, but when I emerged from the saloon triumphant with clusters of waves around my face, I felt as if my heart has lifted.

I looked around and all darkness has dissipated.

Dear Authorities,

2011-07-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

Have you no shame? Have you completely lost your sense of justice and loyalty to the people? The people, mind you. Not the ruling party. The ruling party does not pay your salary. We do. Us, the hardworking taxpaying citizens of the country. The people you are supposed to protect.

What were you thinking when you were throwing the canisters to hurt citizens? What went through your mind when you used your batons to attack people who are only trying to prove their love for the nation? Do we deserve it? Why can’t you catch snatch thefts and acid splashers? You could spend time gathering and assaulting the people you are sworn to protect.

Okay, you are acting on orders. Fair enough. But have you come to the point where your conscience fails you? Have you been corrupted so much by your power that you are descending down the path that is completely opposite to what you chose to do when you became the defender of the people.

We understand you are not well-paid. We understand you are under appreciated. But whose fault it is you are underpaid and under appreciated? The rakyat are not the ones who siphon money from public funds to buy Birkin bags or building private mansions instead of paying your salary. The rakyat are not the ones who decide the limit of your salary. In fact, I understand some private companies often donate to you in sympathy of your plight. Is this how you repay us? Walloping the people with batons and withholding medical help to a dying man? Throwing watergas into a hospital???? Shame on you.

I know not all of you are bad. I have seen a patient cop during the Bersih rally on Youtube who refrained from violence even though he was angry. That cop deserves a commendation for his patience. But that one act of patience is blinded by the cruelty that occurred in the Pudu road. Who do you blame?

Neutrality, that’s what we want. We do not want you to be a crony or someone else’s dog. We want our defenders back. You want our respect? Earn it. You will realise in time our respect will matter much, much more than any directives from the top.

Don't be afraid. Open your dusty eyes. The people are the power.

Cleaning the Slate

2011-07-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

Auntie Annie, the lady in yellow

Pic sourced from Facebook

First of all, I want to say with much sadness that I wish I was in KL on 9 July. I was not around, I had an assignment in Sarawak. But I would also say that it was not in my mind to join the rally at first but as the date drew closer and closer, and when I woke up on Sat morning: "I do want to. I want to so bad."

I want to do it because I want to. I want to be able to show my support for the people who are risking their reputation and let's face it, their lives, to stand up for what they believe in. I want a clean and fair election too. I have many beef to pick with the whole issue: the fact that our supposed leader vanished during Bersih and emerged a day after scoffing at an event that united Malaysians. The fact that there are people criticizing what Bersih are doing (ruining Malaysia's reputation, causing embarassment. Hello people? It's the violence that embarassed us, not the rally! Think with your brains!) and forgetting that Bersih is championing for a clean election.

I spent whenever free time I had in Sarawak checking updates about the rally on Twitter and I felt this huge wave of shame for not being there. I was especially moved at the singing of Negaraku by the rally members and suddenly I felt an overwhelming love for our national song. Trust me, it never felt so powerful to me when they sang: "Tanah tumpahnya darahku." I actually felt like crying. I teared when I hear stories of people of all races helping each other and standing in solidarity for a good cause. It made me think: There is still hope for Malaysia after all.

This is my home country. The home I have ever known. A home that is beautiful and lush and so organically harmonious...but is crumbling everyday by neglect and abuse by those consumed by power. I don't hate the BN, I just wished they learn a lesson about humility. I want them to come down back to Earth and fight to win our votes again. Please let me explain the democracy process again: You are not in power until the rakyat says you do. And now clearly all is not in favour with your power because I believe there are more than 100,000 people petitioning for our nation's leader resignation.

I would also clarify that I am not on Pakatan's side also. I am on the side of those who puts their people first over their power. And Bersih has shown me the answer.

Future voters, here I ask you to reflect on your political rights. Exercise your rights, please.

I digress.

You want us to believe in you, our 'leaders'? Here's a few suggestions:

1.Don't spin. Don't spin us tales about a stadium and then no stadium. Don't say that the rally fail to accomplish anything, because it did. It united scores of people from different races and ages and genders. For goodness sake, Dato' Samad Said was there! Our very own 'Gandalf'. And Auntie Annie, and that poor man who died from heart attack. Young Malaysians who kept their plans a secret from their parents because they wanted to be in the streets to defend their rights. The fact that you played down this rally is proof that you are not safeguarding Malaysians' interest...but your own. Please remember Malaysia belongs to Malaysians, not BN.... sometimes I think some people can't tell the difference.

2. Do listen when Malaysians speak to you. And listen very carefully. Bersih protesting for a clean and fair elections. The very fact that you are against a cause so noble such as this, proves that you want a dirty and unfair elections. And you think we Malaysians can't put two and two together? Please don't insult our intelligence, or patronise us. We are smart enough. You want us to be a first world country but speak to us as if we are fools.

3.Don't throw canisters or spray teargas into a hospital compound. You have to be kidding me about this.

I have never been so moved by my love for my country as I have in these past few days. I am so proud of fellow Malaysians who braved through angry parents and teargas to walk together in peace for a cause we believe in. And I am glad that Bersih has unveiled the true colours of the seat of power dominating the country. Don't ever think that power is eternal, it is fleeting...as it always should be.

Triangle

2011-06-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

Credit: Jerry Uelsmann (Flying Girl)

Once when I went for a tarot card reading, the lady I met spread out my cards and informed me that a lot of options lay before me. She said my heart is uneasy because there are many things I wish to do but I could not decide. That reading came back today as I reflect on the life I had chosen to do.

I want to cram many paths in my journey through life. I chose to be a writer since a young age and I never looked back. And I love KL in my own way. I love how you could find Ramly burger late at night, how you could have a good breakfast of nasi lemak. I love Malaysian English and how we all seem to take a relaxed approach in everything. I love my family and my friends, and I could see myself growing from where I am.

Then there is that me who wishes to explore living in US, and soaking in that lifestyle, especially New York. Going to museums and theatre, having takeaways late at night, absorb myself in that consummate consumer culture part and parcel of a megapolis like NY.

I want to teach English in Japan. Strangely enough but I do. And eat ramen at the side of the streets, browse through bookshops and learn to speak good Japanese. You know, lead a mundane Japanese life for a month or two like how the protagonists of a Murakami novel would – minus the murders, eccentricities and talking cats.

A triangle of sorts – where I long to be: New York in the West, Japan in the East and KL right in between.

Submerged

2011-06-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

Credits: Toni Frissell (1947)

She stands at the edges of the water, watching the surface shimmer and ripple in the setting sun. All she could see is the blue tiles at the bottom of the pool – cool and distant from where she stood, yet strangely inviting at the same time. The sound of children laughing as they splashed and frolicked around sounded distorted in her ears, like the scratching of nails on a blackboard.

She longed to close her eyes and fall into the pool, her arms flung open and let the water take her. She could imagine it already – the lashing of water slapping against her skin as the spirits of the water hold her hostage and anchored within their grasp. She would not struggle, but wait for the rivulets of liquid hands to snake across her arms and anchor firmly to her wrists. She was a lady of the water…and she wanted to go back to where she belonged.

But there was no redemption in the water, nor is there any answers that she could seek. So she merely stepped back from the alluring dream and walked back into reality

J 'adore

2011-05-21T01:03:00.000-07:00

This week, we celebrate our two years and six months together. It could not have been more perfect for me, because when I smile across the small table we shared over ribs and buffalo chicken wings, to see the person who has moved me beyond words smiling back at me. At that moment, I knew I was the luckiest girl on earth because I was celebrating the beautiful things in life with a person who continues to move me even as time goes on by.

To the most delightful, caring and special man in this world, here's to us - at this beautiful moment

Muse

2011-05-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

I used to read in magazines how models are more than just clothes hangers – how they are actually walking and breathing creative inspirations for designers who are stumbling for ideas. A look at an exquisite human being and how they can be dressed will often spur designers to push forward with their work and create amazing work. But little did I know this can be translated to writing as well.

Until last night. In my previous post, I mentioned how Glee has taken over my life. This is a relation to that. When I was rewatching the Total Eclipse of the Heart scene again in Glee Season 1, I began to feel the old, critic me emerging from its crushed, broken shell after a period of writer’s block and apathy. Soon words filled my mind as I watched Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele move in fluid ballet movements. The scene moved me and suddenly I itch to write my ‘little stories’ again. I found myself intrigued by Jesse St James – a character that does not even exist – played to perfection by Jonathan Groff.

Now Jonathan Groff has always been handsome to me, but here in this scene, I could feel myself so moved by his facial beauty. I am especially entranced by the beauty of his expressions throughout the song, from the fierce angry scowl as he belts out his anger, (“Turn around, bright eyes!”) to the gentle yet still slightly miffed look as he lays her down on the floor during the ballet performance. Jonathan Groff pulled everything so beautifully. I realised when I was thinking about words to describe his eyes (Magnetic? Intense? Soulful?), his features (patrician, with a twinge of rocker) and his physique (sculpted like a dancer. I like). It was then I realised, maybe Jonathan Groff was the muse who brought my writing back from the quagmires.

Yay! More reason to download his photos…

Open Letter to Ryan Murphy about Glee

2011-05-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Ryan Murphy,

You have totally taken over my life with Glee. I wish there was a way to leave the hole you have dug up for us lovers of drama-comedy-musical but there is none. I find myself refreshing my Google Search page obsessively for news on the next episode of Glee! (Prom Queen is next) You excite me by bringing back Jesse St James, who have to be my absolute favourite character in Glee. A glimpse of Jonathan Groff during the Glee promo episode 20 made my heart beat faster (see above). Dammit. I hope he stays as a regular cast member because the Groff is seriously super fine.

Oh, while I am talking to you, I would like to share some of my thoughts. Any feedback is better than none right? Please make sure that Jesse and Rachel ends up together. They are perfect for each other – he understands her need for fame and she sounds less annoying when she is with him. Full stop. And their chemistry, singing and non-singing, is electric due to Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele’s real-life friendship from starring together at Spring Awakening. The characters Jesse and Rachel belong together. I still stare in awe at their dramatic ballet for Total Eclipse of the Heart in Season 1 every single time I rewatch the scene (which is everyday) because they were so epic and beautiful together in that scene. Also, please do release their duet for Rolling in the Deep soon, because I am so excited to hear how they add their emotional layers to that song.

Okay, so if Jesse and Rachel as endgame might be too hard because Jonathan Groff is as busy as he is superhot. Fine, I get that. Then please make sure Rachel ends up with Puck. Bad-boy, good-girl plus they are good friends. I like that. Plus any guy for Rachel is great, except for Finn.

To speak in Glee terms, I used to be (the key word is used to be) a fan of Finchel. I was rooting for Finchel at first during Season 1, partly because I have not been seduced by the curly-haired angel that is Jonathan Groff yet, and because I was blown away by Finn’s heartfelt singing of Jessie’s Girl. It was only after Season 2 then I realised that Finn and Rachel are better apart than together. In fact, any girl I liked in the show (Quinn even!) becomes annoying when they are in love with Finn. He has that power of transforming a beautiful, smart girl into obsessive, crazy people. But yet he is not even a prize man being silly and naïve. But Jesse is a prize. He is smart, talented and driven – traits I would imagine girls fighting for.

So yes, I am now officially in the St Berry fan club. It is no secret I like Rachel, very much in fact. She is annoying yes, but she is also kind, talented and humane. Plus, she can sing. Why is everybody complaining she is always getting solos? She is clearly the star here, and entitled to divadom. But I cannot stand her everytime she does something stupid, which is usually when Finn is involved. Thus, I conclude that they are bad for each other. She was much better when she was with Jesse, Puck and even Blaine (as pseudo-stupid that relationship was).

Ugh, okay. So this letter is proof that Glee has taken over my life. Congrats, Ryan. You have somehow taken over the world with your show!

With love,
Lily

PS. Please also keep Quinn apart from Finn. She is crazy when she is with him too. Sam is a good match – despite the fact they remind me of Barbie and Ken a lot.

Paradox

2011-04-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those mornings – the sun is shining bright, birds are chirping, the trees waving at you – but I can’t feel the music of it. It is right there, whirling around me but I simply cannot register all this fairy tale beauty. It’s as if my melancholic self is repelling all this beautiful things as I trudge wearily on my way to where I need to go.

Then began an internal examination of a strange sort: Why am I melancholic? Didn’t I just have a fantastic dinner and then Snowflake dessert (lemon jade jelly, yum) with a cherished old friend last night? Didn’t I accomplish all my goals so far for year 2011…despite a few work-in-progress here and there? Didn’t I get my eight hours of sleep? Was it PMS? And then this trail of thoughts dissipate but my weariness remain. What am I weary at? At life? At disturbed sleep?

Then I think back about one morning when I was in Berlin. It was a dreary morning. Rain was lashing at the window pane, and the skies were so dark and overcast. I had to wear layers and layers of clothes, because four seasoned weather is so new to me – scarves, coat, gloves and shoes. But I was so happy. It did not matter that the buffet line served only bacons, hams and eggs, with no nasi lemak in sight. It did not matter that I was a single person having my breakfast all alone surrounded by foreigners. It certainly did not matter I took a wrong bus and had to find my way back. What mattered was the skip in my step as I finally stepped onto the pavement of the streets of Berlin that morning, revelling in the cool misty air that is common after the rain.

Maybe this means I need another vacation…

Amour

2011-04-04T02:31:00.001-07:00

You,
Yes, you,
Are the Light,
The Ray of Joy,
Shining Down In a Beam.

You,
Oh, You,
Make Me Feel,
Warm, Fuzzy and Real,
You Light Up The Way

*
I can’t even describe that feeling of listlessness and inadequacy stemming from standing aside and watching a person you care about falling apart. It elicits a feeling of pain, of guilt, of regret and most powerfully – of love. Pure, unfiltered love for this person – whose fragile emotions is a crashing wave – who you want more than anything to rescue. To sweep them off their trembling feet and carry them away to a land of happiness. That’s how I feel right now.

I don’t want to be anywhere else, but here by your side to take everything away

Japan

2011-03-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

The rampaging scene

Image: Courtesy of NHK for Reuters

So, I am just gonna hop on the post-earthquake bandwagon and share my thoughts about the recent earthquake hitting Japan.

You could say, Japan is a country that holds a small and special place in my heart. No I have not been to Japan, but I have been exposed to its culture so much while I was growing up: anime, manga and even video games. I have always been intrigued with Japanese culture: from the small things to the big ones. I love how the Japanese woman are always ageless and beautiful, even in old age. I love how the people carry themselves with so much honour and how their society is framed in a way that is almost poetic in its beauty. I love how they created a system of speech that might be restrainingly-heavy for some but gives them a sense of purpose. I like how they make good food and how everything is thoughtfully done, from the way they present gifts to how they train their children to be disciplined. It's amazing, truly amazing...especially since I came from a country that is sometimes disorganised, it's not funny.

Yes, the Japanese has committed atrocities in the past. But haven't all races done it? They are doing their best to put it all behind them. I tell you, another hoot about how they were evil in the past, and I will....

Fine, I digress,

My point is, I am simply touched beyond understanding by this earthquake. It was horrifying, to say the least, how the chain of events that happened struck this eastern nation, from the earthquake to the tsunami. Video footages and images only communicated how Mother Nature hit back hard when She wants to make a point. But the way the Japanese responded to the earthquake touched me even more. There was an aura of calm and resignation, but yet strength and courage displayed by the people. It was mesmerising to see the people focus on rebuilding rather than lamenting their losses, for it requires plenty of strength to do so.

I am currently replaying Final Fantasy X again (yes, doing my old Final Fantasy rounds) and I was just at the part where Sin (the supernatural villain in the game) destroyed lives in a climactic battle by the beaches of Djose. The following scenes that follow, in which everybody in the game bolstered each other's strength by saying, "You have to be strong." or "We have to pull through this and rebuild." - it struck me how this scene must be repeated in the coasts of Sendai or in the city of Tokyo. Final Fantasy X is of course, a Japanese product, and how the characters struggle through their challenges and react to them - it reflects this mentality that they have.

I have nothing - but plenty of respect for the people of Japan. May the nation, and city recover.

Nihon, ganbatte kudasai!

Musing at a bus stop

2011-03-10T16:31:00.000-08:00

Never thought it would come to this but I'm blogging from a bus station, waiting for somebody. People are walking past me - a mix of students in casual garb to stylish people in their cardigans layered over babydoll dresses and leggings. I can even smell the smoke from cars and buses as I type this. Will the wonder of technology ever cease?

A piece of the world

2011-03-09T03:01:00.000-08:00

A snap of my world

There is a scene in American Beauty, where Rick Fitts was showing his neighbour's daughter a video of a plastic bag dancing in the wind. I don't know why but that scene moved me in a way. I always forget there is so much joy in the world sometimes, as much as there is misery and hate. But why do we focus on the sad part?

Do this. Close your eyes and focus on your heartbeat. Can you feel it's gentle thump, the rhythm it creates in your chest? J

Just because you never listened to your heart beat due to a busy schedule, it does not mean it is not beating.

Same like if you were not focusing on a child laugh, it does not mean a little kid out there in the world is not laughing or giggling.

I am tired of missing the world's joys. Of missing the smell of coffee, or the feel of the wind in my hair. I want to dance and let my body loose and flow. I want to find pleasure at my loved one's soft smile. I want to capture everything beautiful on camera, to keep close to my heart. I want to always be mindful and grateful of what I have, and not focus only on what I do not have.

Maybe once I overcome this purposeless race, may I build my worldview - piece by piece

Cheer in a Bowl

2011-03-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

Yummy stuff

Nothing comforts my sick self as much as the process of having a bowl of porridge and a cup of hot honey lemon tea. It is comfort food like this that is reason enough for us to fall sick sometimes – for the porridge tasted creamier in the throat when it is in pain and the smell of broth is never sweeter on the nose than when you have a blocked nose.

I had many fond memories that is built around eating porridge: having them in tiny plastic bowls with my babysitter at coffee shops early on weekday mornings, eating baby-soft congee with pickled vegetables with the family in SP in a bid for simple meals, dating at Canton-I with a big bowl of porridge delectably prepared with century egg or snacking on porridge with yew char kuay (Chinese crullers) when hungry at shopping malls.

Every single time when life gets too tough for me, I flash to the time when all I need is a bowl of congee to take everything that weighs me down away.

Childhood Memories

2011-02-27T18:48:00.000-08:00

Readers, put your arms up whoever who learnt English and how to enjoy reading through Enid Blyton.


One of my favourite childhood books

I thought so. She is one of the most prolific authoress in the world. I used to kick back with a good book of her short stories, indulging in a world where she created with such fantastic detail. Picnics in the countryside with plenty of frolicking with fairies and golliwogs – usually with ham sandwiches, scones and ginger beer. Midnight parties in schools with circuses and horseriding students. Flying on chairs that go anywhere, climbing up a tree that goes to different worlds. Boarding schools with all the fights and concerts and pantomimes. Through her, I dreamt of a place where I could enjoy myself and vowed I would visit London no matter what!

I used to dream about boarding schools!

But to read about the writer herself, being an adulteress, selfish mother and hard-hearted tyrant was too much to bear. How could someone with that personality write such beautiful things? How could she separate herself into two opposite entities and yet never let her two personalities meet? It was disconcerting, to say the least, for I used to idolise her. She was the lady who paved the way for my love for books – she introduced me to Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte and lastly JK Rowling. Sigh. It can be quite sad when your realities are crushed about a person you admire.

A hard-hearted mother?

I won’t deny she is one of the greatest writers in the world for her simple, engaging writing style. And I will be glad to share her world with my kids for her magic is mesmerising on paper. But, I don’t think I would idolise her that much anymore!

Of sunlit car rides and small-town moments

2011-02-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, on my ride to the airport to fly back to KL, I was fiddling with the Inception app that I have excitedly downloaded onto Gloria to play with. It was 2 in the afternoon, and we were going at about 110km per hour.The sun was merciless, pouring down on us in a fierce golden beam, throwing shadows of moving vehicles zooming along the North-South Highway over the green, green paddy field. In between Sungai Petani and Butterworth, I happen to glance up from my phone to look out the window and it happened. It struck me at how beautiful Malaysia is.

The paddy fields, lush and green in the warm sunlight - paddy stalks dancing in the wind. Curvaceous trees bending over the Sg Muda river, where water is rippling gently on the surface. Lazy billy goats and cows nibbling on grass, and sunbathing. It was a beautiful day - its so beautiful it makes you want to cry, as Avril Lavigne sang. I drank it all in and noted with regret that, once I am back in the metropolitan city - it will take awhile before such beauty will mesmerise me again.

*

After staying continuously in the city of KL and working for a glossy magazine, I realise I am viewing SP through a different perspective. I cringe at the sight of rubbish being strewn carelessly about the town's roads and drains, especially during my walks out. It moves me to see high school students standing together at shopping malls, wearing simple clothes that looked like it was grabbed from a department store - fresh, naive and innocent. I feel as if, in some way, I was experiencing culture shock, in my own hometown!. This saddens me, for I yearn for the days where SP was only perfect in my eyes. I will always love this hometown of mine, a place of fond memories, but I think from this experience being back home, I can say without a doubt, I have changed.

One moment that struck me was when my family and I were having lunch at a coffee shop near Central Square. It was the fifth day of CNY, so business is quite slow. But there was an uncle selling char kuey teow that day that moved me so strongly I could not take my eyes off him. He is old, really old. I estimate him to be in his late seventies. I can still see him vividly in my mind. Short and frail, wearing a dirty cap, oversized red collared shirt and black slacks with a belt, he was bent over the charcoal, slowly frying char kuey teow. He moved with slow but purposeful movements, taking his time as he sprinkled bean sprouts and sloshed egg yolk all over the mixture in the wok before whisking it all together. I can't help staring at him and wondered: Is the simple life all he will ever know? Is there no children to lighten his burden, to take him away from this small town? What passes through his mind as he attends to his task of frying char kuey teow? What is the meaning of his life now? What life has he led?

Bitesize

2011-01-25T05:06:00.000-08:00

Listening to Michael Learns to Rock and having a moment alone at a kopitiam. Such a joy I cannot describe in words. Suddenly I recall sitting with friends at a round table At See May's house, simply chatting and laughing. It's sad so sad that now that innocent friendship is no longer possible as u grow.

My Ode to Final Fantasy VIII

2011-01-23T04:02:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would do this blog entry, but here goes. This is not a review of the game (I think you can find better ones out there, but this is an entry about how much FFVIII means to me)

Video games have always been the integral part of my childhood, especially the era between 1997-2004. When we got a PSX for a present when I was 12, I think I did not fully grasp what it was. I mean, we used to play Tekken and stuff - fun but hardly memorable. One day, during a trip down to KL, I saw that there was a cool video game poster advertising a new game that was coming out in the PSX. I was at that point trying to understand boys because I just moved from an all-girls school to a co-ed one and I had this crazy idea that hey, maybe if I could understand what is so appealing about video games, maybe I could actually be able to see things from their perspective a bit. Stupid reasoning I know, so I just purchased the game the poster promoted - Final Fantasy VIII.

Did I know then my whole life was going to be transformed forever? Boy, I did not.

It was mindblowing being able to be transported to another world. Seriously.I felt like I was Squall, understanding his pain, feeling his emotion and fighting his battles. The storyline was not perfect, but it had me captivated, hooked, line and sinker. I was mesmerised by the graphics, and enjoyed the gameplay so much. I silently cheered when Julia asked Laguna up for a chat. I hooted with laughter at Zell's antics and Irvine's cowboy playgirl persona. I doggedly leveled up my characters and pursued every Guardian Forces there is in the game. I cried at some parts of the game, absolutely moved by the character's feelings and emotions. When I finished the game, I felt as if...my whole life has changed.

Yes, it's that dramatic but that was how I felt. From FFVIII, I moved backward to FFVII, which I loved even more. But I think, although I enjoyed FFVII more, FFVIII has my heart. It is the first game that truly taught me how to close my eyes and dream. It taught my imagination to explore, my brain to work hard to solve puzzles and it taught me how to understand humans in a deeper level.

Suddenly all I want to do, is whip out my PSX and lose myself in this world again.

I end this entry with a nostalgic video that never fails to move me every single time.

I'm sorry but....

2011-01-15T05:55:00.000-08:00

This is an absolute must-watch that I have to commit the cardinal sin of blogging twice in a day.

Love love the fact that he is so impeccably dressed when he does the photography. Love that unique pair of shoes. Love how that woman with that big coat posed for the camera. Loves the entire video!!!

Lomolomo-fied

2011-01-15T05:29:00.000-08:00

Another picture-filled blog post from Gloria's Lomolomo function. Bear with me as I try to refine my eye for photos via this nifty little gadget:

I'm officially in love deeper and deeper with my new gadget.

*
I think I am finding balance again. I took out my cards for a bout of reading yesterday and the card that came out was: Vesta.

True enough, things have stabilised for me and so now I am finding myself reacquainting to my true self again as I shrug off the cynicism I have adopted as a defense mechanism these past five years. It is amazing how being around family can have such a profound effect on me, must be all the grocery shopping and lively debate over our meals. Maybe I have a long way to go, but I am glad I have found my dormant spirit back.

Have I mentioned that...

2011-01-14T01:16:00.000-08:00

Apple is taking over my life?

Not forgetting Gloria. Love lomolomo so much!

New Year, New Toy

2011-01-12T01:41:00.000-08:00

So I marked the new year by finally acquiring that phone of everybody dreams. I can’t believe I have led a life without my Gloria (that’s my name for the phone). Seriously, have had a wonderful time poking around on its functions and capabilities and I am absolutely amazed until now.

Downloaded this awesome app that allows me to take these gorgeous photos during my adventures. Now I know why people are so into it.

Contemplation Part One

2011-01-06T01:34:00.001-08:00

A thought came to me today:

Sometimes, in between train stations, I imagine myself emerging from my body and I am flying, flying up in the sky, past the cotton candy dusk clouds, past the stratosphere and into the infinite. I will then stop and look down, at the speck of nothing that has microscoped to almost oblivion, in a train snaking its way all around the city of KL, I realise that these niggles of worries, insecurities and doubts are incredibly miniscule in comparison to the vast space that is our Universe.

Music Musing

2011-01-04T18:41:00.001-08:00

Am in a melancholic mood, listening to Back to December by Taylor Swift. I have lost my respect for her music slightly after she decided to embrace pop. I have always loved her old works when she was in country – Teardrops on My Guitar and Our Song were my two favourites, especially in karaoke.

I am so glad she decided to go back to her original soul of songwriting, which showed for Back to December. It was such a beautifully-written song with powerful lyrics, and you could feel her sincerity behind the song that truly resonated with me. (It is widely speculated the song is about a certain hot, werewolf from the Twilight Saga movies). Totally unlike You Belong with Me that has that annoying sing-and-rhyme: ‘why can’t you seeeeee, you belong with meeeee’. Welcome back, Ms Swift.

Oh Yeah....

2010-12-28T18:58:00.000-08:00

Credits: Taken from here.

Need I say more? Big Bang has always worked for me because I love the way the band mixes rap and ballads skilfully into this ear-friendly music that I absolutely love. I am not a fan of rap if it has no melodies that I could identify, but I love the way G-Dragon and TOP have their own individual style of rapping that sounds so good to the ear when listened to.

To me, G-Dragon is the second best-looking after TOP, as he is blessed with sculpted features that is perfect for that punk look like how Sid Vicious glorified. But I dislike the over-the-top (if it was TOP I was talking about, this would be a pun) way that G-Dragon carries himself when he raps that does not seem to fit him. It’s like I feel if he just tones it down a little, just a wee bit, maybe he could hit that right note of image that perfectly fits him without seeming like he is trying too hard.

TOP, on the other hand, has girls eating out of his hand (including myself) by the effortless way he works the camera and the crowd. An eyebrow lift here, a flash of a smile with dimples there; and he has the crowd hooked. His gaze has a piercing quality that is almost mesmerising. Like many men I have gravitated to, he has tons of charisma and swagger that defines his image – without being overdone. I mean, look at him at the editorial above. Who could pull of a hairstyle like that? But he did it with style and aplomb.

I like and approve. :)

A Guest Star Meme

2010-12-24T01:15:00.000-08:00

Lol, was excavating my logs of emails and instant messages and I found truckloads of forwards and correspondences that bring back good fond memories.

Then I stumbled upon a couple meme that I forcibly made the boy fill out during the beginning stages of our relationship and I can’t help but laugh.

I have yet still find that level of comfort and courage to talk in detail about him because we are private like that but I will share some of his answers about me that I find truly charming. Proves how well he knows me!

*My comments are italicized

Tell us something funny about him/her:
Apparently she has a few clothes which she has bought but haven't worn them before....
(So guilty of this!)

What’s a weird habit or quirk that s/he has?:
No comment
(Playing it safe. Smart boy)

What makes him/her happy?:
She likes to do random things out of the blue. Its fun sometimes, but when its not planned, its just feels funny. I like things to be scheduled.
(LOL, so true!)

What makes him/her sad?:
When she doesn't get what she wants... and things don't go her way.
(Who? Me? –innocent-)

What excites him/her?:
When i give her a surprise, or if she wants to go watch a new movie she likes, or Harry Potter... she likes Harry Potter....lol
(As ashamed as I want to admit this, he is absolutely right. It's so accurate it's actually hilarious. Even more of the Harry Potter part. FML.)

What’s s/he like at home?:
Always reading. She likes to read a lot of magazines and books. She has so many of them at her home. Too book crazy...
(LOL)

What’s s/he like at work/school?:
Always hardworking.
(All nerds put your hands in the air wtf)

There is so much more, but I think from this meme, he just nailed my character down flat.

You could say, this indescribable way he could understand me and grasp where I am coming from, is the reason why I know he is one of my best friends in the whole world.

Merry Christmas one and all!

Shoes :)

Redemption

2010-12-22T19:24:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it scares me to be human. When hurt fills you, or anger or extreme sorrow, you say a lot of things that once the daze of anger has passed, fills you with remorse. How many of us have uttered words we regret we said in the throes of fitful anger or resentment that has left a scar and hurt? How many of us have viciously sputtered our anger with no consideration or thought as we judge and evaluate someone through an emotional lens of fury? How many of us have damaged something valuable between two human beings with spiteful remarks and callous attitude that is uncalled for? Sometimes, it is deeds like these that makes us hard to say we are sorry because it is not only the forgiveness of those we hurt we seek to find. Ultimately and most importantly, we seek our own forgiveness because in the process of rage and anger, you have hurt yourself the most.

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

2010-12-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

A continuation of a long-overdue tag!

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Joanne Kathleen Rowling,

I actually have a great variety of people I wish to meet and they range from the frivolous (Korean rap stars with sexy eyes) to the powerful (the one-and-only Oprah Winfrey as well as Anna Wintour). But upon reflection, I realised in truth you were the one person I want to meet in the world. It made sense. After all, you were the woman who inspired me to use my imagination to make my life a walking and breathing passion.

Oh, not directly of course. I have always known I enjoy making up stories for the fun of it, which started during my primary school days with Enid Blyton and fairytale books. I did so diligently with little brownpaper softcover ruled notebooks, writing passionately about the story of a princess who was raised in the forest before she returned to the castle to ascend the throne and became a vigilante heroine when her evil jealous sister staged a coup and forced her to enter a journey to the western side of her country to seek knowledge on how to defeat that evil sister.

Unoriginal and cheesy, but it was a story that rocked my world then. But I digress.

My love for writing ignited when I read Little Women and I was moved by Jo March’s dedication to the art of writing and expressing. Then when I read Harry Potter written by your good self, also a Jo in a sense, I knew without a doubt, this is what I wanna do for the rest of my life forever and ever.

So this is why I want to meet you, Ms JK Rowling. I have always been a fan of your work, but even more I want to know you. I want to be able to sit down and have a cup of coffee with you and just ask you: What do you do when you are stuck? What are your tips for finding words that felt right? What are your writing habits? What made you feel that the storyline you have formed was the absolute perfect one before you submit it to be edited? What inspires you? What is your advise when I have writer’s block?

But of course, chances of this happening are slim but it was nice to think about this. If you ever read this (doubtfully so!), please understand that you are more than just a writer of Harry Potter to me, you were my inspiration.

Cheers!

Love,
L

2010 Reflections

2010-12-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

So, it’s the end of 2010. To make up for the dearth of posts, I shall write a long, thoughtful post that encompasses all the feelings I have at this exact moment.

It’s that time of reflection again, but I feel 2010 was a year where I was able to grow a lot from. If 2009 was a year where it all began (relationship, career, adulthood, etc), year 2010 was when I actually finally grew up slowly. 2010 marks many achievements on my personal to-do list, although I have never wrote them down. It has always, always, given me much joy to be able to cross an item off my to-do list so you can imagine how it feels to be able to cross off items from a year’s worth of to-do items!

But 2010 was also a year of loss to me, which I would not like to disclose here in details here but it has to do with losing myself and what makes me me, piece by piece. I have pondered over and over again, yes I have gained much in leaps and bounds. I have found my footing in work and life, but there has come a cost – of course, stemming from my workaholic behaviour. Therefore, it is my personal mission to make 2011 a year where I take one step back. No longer will I allow one aspect of my life to consume me more than ever.

So as per tradition dictates, my highs and lows of the year 2011:

High:
1. Having my family here at Damas. Seriously, that opened up a world that has not been accessible to me for awhile and I am happy for that.

2. Travelling. Bali and Germany. The latter was especially an experience to remember since I travelled miles and miles all by myself for the first time!

3. Hitting the two year benchmark. :)

4. Being able to do some lead stories I am very proud of for work. They are not perfect but I do wanna improve.
5. Reconnecting with old friends. Big heart and love.

Lows:
1. The price I paid for being self-involved
2. Two good friends moving away – both who I felt spent little time and not enough with since I started working.

As they say, we live….and we learn.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2011 all!

The thing about decision is...

2010-12-10T02:59:00.000-08:00

...if you choose wrongly things come around and bite you in the butt. Hard. I need some massage oils.

Update and Go

2010-12-07T07:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have been away for a month. I had such grand dreams for this blog. Truly I did. I wanted to wax lyrical proses on how much I love Daiso here, or do a makeup tutorial and *gasp* even attempt some fashion shots. But every single time I click on blogger, my mind shuts down and I find myself vertical on my bed, dozing off after. What's wrong with me? Blogging was my one pleasure a long time ago. A LONG LONG time ago.

A break in the middle of the week helped, as I am trying to make sense of the craziness that this world has become. At times, I just wanna lift up my hand and scream myself hoarse. This is harder than I expected it to be, growing up.

Is it me or the train from Klang to KL Sentral is misbehaving lately? It has come to the point where I was glaring at kids in my frustration.Do something la. Why implement a woman's coach if men still enter? Why introduce an electric train if your old trains are late? All we want is to get to work on time. That is one obligation we believe you owe us, despite what you sputter your excuses. We deserve to get to work on time. If Sydney's train tracks from the 1920's could work fine, I can't see how our local train tracks are failing us. Seriously.

Duo

2010-11-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

In the midst of all the chaos and the confusion, you were one of the many constants.

In the midst of all the worries and insecurities, you were the beacon of certainty.

In the midst of the ocean, you were the rock. My rock.

Happy two years, baby. Another one year bites the dust. :)

Purgatory

2010-11-14T04:46:00.000-08:00

Topsy and turvy has been the word to sum up the week, which ended on a high note when I had food poisoning Friday morning. It started innocently enough, green tea cake and peach tea, catching up with mum, a lovely conversation with Lavender in the car, taking a train that ACTUALLY arrives on time, switching trains. Next thing I knew, I was having food poisoning.

Truthfully, I suppose it is a good thing. My body has been worn out by so many things lately - stress, anger, anxiety, bad eating habits, bitterness. These negative feelings filled me, consumed me and literally had no way out. It was as if it was a literal sign for me to let go. My body literally crashed from the onslaught of bacteria and I emerged shaky but whole. But thanks to this, I know that everything bad is leaving my body, hopefully over the next few days and leave only the good and pure feelings left in my heart.

I have always been afraid of making mistakes. As a Virgo, I have spent my whole life being so careful with my words and my actions, afraid to hurt anybody or to say the wrong thing. I wanted to be in control. So one day I stopped caring so much about what people think and decided to do what my heart tells me to do. As a result, I made a few mistakes along the way. But I can't take them back...and I am afraid I have to live with them. But does that make me less of a human? I don't think so.

Will be spending this next few days cramming work like crazy so I can finally take a breather and fly for a well-deserved holiday to cram meetings with loved ones. :)

Give me Charisma

2010-11-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

This guy has charisma by the truckloads.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Go Soo for High Cut magazine. Found from my favourite site of the moment.

So love the song, which matches his ultra sexiness and hotness. *fans self* Love the cigar shot so much. Man, he is Mr. Big number II!

The after product:

Snippets of my reverie

2010-10-30T05:06:00.000-07:00

The past week have seen me running around KL city, alternating between flip flops and heels. There are interviews, events, deadlines, personal appointments all juggled with much attention and skill, in between efforts to find a breather to just put everything in perspective. Sometimes, when I am waiting for a cab, or in between research, I felt an out of the world experience, a surreality springs out of my thoughts like a Jack-in-a-Box. "What the hell am I doing here?"

*
I saw a woman on the train that day. She was a slight woman, with a baby strapped to the front of her bulky jacket. She stood waiting for the train, alongside most of us who were in our working attire. She caught my attention because she stood out - youthful face, arms loaded with bags and the baby. Oh, the baby. With big doe eyes, the baby stayed close to her mother, docile and quiet. There were no tears or tantrums despite the chugging of the train engines or the rumbling coaches. The young mother dissapeared at the next two stations, and it made me wonder if she knew she had allowed a stranger a glimpse of her reality

*
Today, a young man turned a year older. Happy birthday, my special person. I am grateful that over twenty years ago, you were born because I would not know how my life would have been if it were not for you.

One cold September

2010-10-27T03:22:00.000-07:00

She pulled on her thick wool jacket, laced up her walking shoes and thrust her hands into her pockets as she walked one misty Saturday morning. The gravelled streets were empty, except for a sole Asian man smoking his first cigarette. A faint smoke rose in the air as he exhaled, drifting up into the gloomy autumn morning. Dressed in a grey suit and tie, he seemed to be faraway as he indulged in this lung-busting vice, not noticing this stranger watching him with curious eyes.

Walking down the streets, she encountered a couple bustling in and out of a corner shop, their arms balancing baskets of apples and oranges to be sold. She stops and picked up a piece of peach, soft and warm. Before the couple noticed her presence, she placed the peach back onto the display crate and watch as it rolled back to join the other peaches. Her hands instantly felt cold again.

She walked on down, noting the people she passes. Elderly couples strode down the sidewalk with their arms around each other, laden with heavycoats as they battled against the biting wind. A young boy with Ipod earplugs tucked in his ears skated down the road in a carefree manner, followed by a laughing blonde girl on a silver bicycle. A man with a tall top hat sampled some apple slices in another fruit shop, a little boy cleverly plucked some grapes off a bunch to eat. In the distance, the church bell rings – a haunting sound that steals its way through the silent morning. The grey sky stretched indefinitely. There will be no sun today. Frowning, our heroine stops and leans against a tree, watching the clouds.

*

“Hallo!” A waitress, dressed in a white blouse and black skirt greets our heroine, her eyes sparkling with warmth. “You speak English?”

“Yes.”

“Oooh. What would you like?”

“Carbonara please, and black coffee.”

“Would you like spaghetti or fettuccine?”

“Spaghetti.”

“How would you like your coffee?”

“A latte.”

“Would you like your bread with butter or vinegar?”

“Butter.”

“Very well,” The golden-haired stewardess, pleased at her English, scuttled away with the plastic menus at hand. The cashier glances warily at our heroine, noting her appearance. Every inch of this stranger says, “You do not belong here.” Our heroine ignores his stare and watches the streets, letting her mind wander in a daze.

There was a couple who stood at a fountain not too far away, their arms around each other. The water sluiced from the surface and danced in a rigorous fashion before whirling and twirling. The coffee and pasta came and left on our heroine’s table but the couple remained rooted in the spot, unmoving like a statue as they admired the sight before them. Finally, the girlfriend stepped forward from the embrace and turns to face her partner. They hugged once more before they walked away in two separate directions.

*
There is always a beginning and there is always an end. Never shall the twain meet.

*
Our heroine took a final sip of her coffee and leaves. As the sun peeked among the clouds, she vanished around the corner of the street and never looked back.

Thoughts at 5am

2010-10-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

1. You know, once you wake up early, it is not as tough as it seems. :)

2. I miss my parents. In SP, Dad will be up at this time and Mum will be snoring away. Don't know why this is so poignant, but it feels that way.

3. Creativity does flow at 5am. It's hard to hold it in sometimes.

4. I am going to be okay. I don't know how it came to mind, but I know I am gonna be okay.

Vintry's, umbrellas and taboo

2010-09-27T05:51:00.000-07:00

Round One of Taboo:

JW: *looks at card* Okay! What animal is she? *points at me*
Me: Panda?
JW: Yay!

***
J: What is she? *points at me*
Me: Panda?
J: No!
Me: Um, Lily?
J: Yes
Me: -.-'

****
An assortment of photos:

Yummiest iced tea ever

Finally! I can has my taboo!

Snapshot

Ribs, mash and coleslaw from Vintry's

You have been warned

Colours in the rain

Meme - books

2010-09-24T00:48:00.000-07:00

1) What author do you own the most books by?
As of now, shockingly enough, it’s a three-way tie between Haruki Murakami, JK Rowling and Robert Jordan.

2) What book do you own the most copies of?
None. Have only one copies of all my books.

3) Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?
Nope. Should it?

4) What fictional character(s) are you secretly in love with?
I used to be in love with Mat Cauthon from the Wheel of Time but I am currently into Toru Watanabe from Norwegian Wood. This is not an answer to the question, but I’d like to adopt Ron Weasley in his younger days to be my child.

5) What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?
Harry Potter, the Wheel Of Time series, Norwegian Wood, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari by Robin Sharma and all of my trashy romance novels. The times I read each book depends on my mood.

6) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?
Enid Blyton’s St Clare and Mallory Towers school series. Love love love.I always wanted to go boarding schools because of these books, never mind that the reality is not as awesome as I'd expect.

7) What is the worst book you’ve read in the past year?
It wasn’t bad (far from it) but The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle required a lot of attention and concentration to digest.

8) What is the best book you’ve read in the past year?
Norwegian Wood. My review will show you why.

9) If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?
‘Blind Willow Sleeping Women’.It was the first book that floored me.

10) Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for Literature?
I am in no place to recommend because I have no idea who won in the past, hence the cluenessness in criteria etc.

11) What book would you most like to see made into a movie?
The Wheel of Time series from start to finish. Turn it into a blockbuster movie, I beg of ya!

12) What book would you least like to see made into a movie?
Kafka on the Shore. Love the book, but the movie will just be weird.

13) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.
Probably when I went to Hogwarts?

14) What is the most lowbrow book you’ve read as an adult?
Romance novels. All of them. I don’t care. Dont judge me, I learnt to write and express myself from those books.

15) What is the most difficult book you’ve ever read?
Books that requires spiritual thought: books by Eckhart Tolle, Sonia Choquette.

16) What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you’ve seen?
Seen none. Take me there?

17) Do you prefer the French or the Russians?
Literature wise? Probably Russians.

18) Roth or Updike?
Never read either.

19) David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?
David Sedaris.

20) Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?
Shakespeare. Yes, I am not an elitist.

21) Austen or Eliot?
Austen. I grew up with her and loved how she observed society.

23) What is your favorite novel?
At this moment, Norwegian Wood.

24) Play?
I actually liked Homecoming by Harold Pinter. Hopefully one day I can finally watch Spring Awakening!

25) Poem?
The Road Not Taken – Robert Frost

26) Essay?
Hmmm, nothing comes to mind

27) Short story?
The Birthday Girl and The Ice Man – both written by Haruki Murakami

28) Work of nonfiction?
The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari – Robin Sharma

29) Who is your favourite writer?
Without a doubt, JK Rowling. Murakami comes to a close second.

30) Who is the most overrated writer alive today?
Stephanie Meyer. Enough already with the hype! Great idea, not-so-good presentation. Compare this series to Harry Potter and you will have your ear blistered.

31) What is your desert island book?
All my romance novels. Take them away and you will see that I bite.

32) Who is your favorite critic or scholar?
None.

33) Who is your favorite philosopher?
I am enjoying Franz Kafka's writings at the moment, though he is not a philosopher is he?

34) Who is your favorite public intellectual?
Ummm……

35) And… what are you reading right now?
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott. Rereading, more like.

Yearning

2010-09-23T23:58:00.001-07:00

Standing on top of the building, she watched through eyes blurred with tears as water raged around the city below. Dirty, bedraggled and stained, he stands beside her – watching the chaos below them. She did not know how, but she found herself hovering over Earth, watching a flood of epic proportions swept away the sins, the wars, the lives and the remnants of people who have not been chosen. Judgement Day. Armageddon. Call it what you may, but it has not sank in to her that this was the end of life, as she know it.

Millions of life dying beneath her, their candles snuffed out and here she is – in this vacuum of a chamber with a man she did not expect to be with during the end of the world. In spite of anything, he held out his hand and reached for her, as she wept for her loss.

*
It doesn’t matter if the world ends, if we are separated. We will always find each other.I love you.

In the next life? In another dimension? I will never stop until I find you.

TOP oh TOP

2010-09-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

Guys with sexy eyes always does it for me. When I first listened to Big Bang music, I was intrigued by the rapping and ballad formula. When I watched Haru Haru music video, I was captivated, especially by TOP. Those sexy lined eyes, the probing stare, the cheekbones. The fashion! He wore shades and jackets and vests. He looked so good, I just wanna eat him up. Seriously hot. I have never been a fan of rappers. Balladers and crooners have always been my thing. (My second choice after TOP is Taeyang, damn that boy is one fine dude too)

But damn, this sexy hot fella changed all my impression on rappers.

Be still, my fluttering heart

So naturally, when I heard that his solo song is out, I HAD to check it out. Duh, why not? He is so freaking fine. (OK STOP LILY STOP)

Aside the fact that he just rapped how hot and awesome he is (Wonder Girls anyone? I'm So Hot?), I find this song to be a case of meh. I mean, its catchy and lovely to dance in the room or run on the treadmill with, but I guess I always think Big Bang works cause they all go well together. I enjoyed this very much, just not as much as I thought I would.

The video is awesome though - top notch editing skills, chereography, styling. TOP is his usual cheeky self, and I am so ready to jump him when he was making faces at the camera.

THE EYEBROW WRIGGLE AT THE END!!!!

Still, compared with this....

TOP's monkey magic is even more present in Tell Me Goodbye. This is my absolute. favourite. video. ever. Everything was perfect - the styling (dayuuuum, G-Dragon in the rain? *melts*) the props, the mood, the colours. Scrumptious video to devour. And TOP with his black rimmed glasses and anguished eyes.Nothing beats this.

Okay maybe except this pic:

I love you, TOP

Recap

2010-09-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

In my training for personal growth a few years back, we were told that for us to truly take a step in our lives, we have to declare our intentions. Year 2009 was a year where I have floundered, fell down and then picked myself up. In 2008-2009, my life took on a sudden explosion: I started work and I was in a relationship for the first time. Before I knew it, I have thrown myself into these two things that I actually neglected my own interests.

If I stop and think, one year is a long time. It might have been a breeze, but it is a long time. 12 months. 365 days. 8760 hours. You get the drift. And you wonder, did you spend your time appropriately?

We all have many things we want: material stuff, immaterial stuff. We paint our world with our dreams and hopes and aspirations. I have always toed the line, following conventions. But there have been moments, where I threw caution to the wind and actually did something uncharacteristically me. Looking back, I do long for these times where I truly felt alive:

1) High School: Choir
In high school, two schoolmates of mine, who happened to be twin brothers, founded the choir club. Intrigued, I joined the club and soon found myself singing soprano. The brothers, both who are supremely talented, composed the score, trained us and prepared everything – born out of their passion. Almost everyday, we will be practicing songs. It was immensely fun, because my friends were with me and we had such a ball. On days when we got it, that perfect song, we were so thrilled. It gave me a distraction from schoolwork, which made me happy. Even if we did not win nationals, but being able to get so far and show people what we have got, it was extremely liberating.

2) College: Indian Cultural Society
In a spur of the moment, while the clubs are enlisting, I signed up for Indian dancing. It was a club that is born from the passion of its members for Bollywood movies, dancing and performances. Somehow, I managed to find my graceful side and learnt how to dance to Bole Chudiyan and other songs I cannot remember. I feel sorry for Nedeem, who was our trainer. He was so patient teaching us our dancesteps, especially clumsy me. But I loved it. It was extremely liberating!

3) College: Mousetrap by Agatha Christie

I did not act, no. But, I was part of the backstage crew for Mousetrap, a play production from the Society of Performing Arts in 2006. Until this date, I have never felt so much fun doing a curricular activity. It was ups and downs all the way, but when the first night had a standing ovation, I swear, I never felt so much joy and happiness my whole life. I learnt a lot, made a lot of mistakes and had tons of fun helping out the backstage, sitting through rehearsals. It was without a doubt, the event that made me grow up, but filled me with a true sense of accomplishment so overwhelming, I felt like crying when it was done. If there were anything in my life that I would redo again, it would be that.

4) College: Japanese class
What I recall strongly for Japanese class was that we would always be at McD before class starts, our textbooks spread open to pictures and charts. I spend my free time practicing my hiragana and katagana. Jan and I will speak in our private language. I was a bit grumpy about the interruption in my schedule at first, especially during SPA and all, but I was so happy to be able to learn a language that I adored. Argh! Where is my Japanese textbook???

I was such a curious girl in college. I wanted to have my fingers in every pie: clubs, classes, and activities. I had such a zest for life. College transformed me drastically. I embraced fashion and makeup, I knew so well what I wanted to do and what I did not. Somehow along the way, I lost it. But no more. I am going to find my mojo back and nothing in this world is going to stop me.

Norwegian Wood: Review

2010-09-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I have been wanting to do this for a long time. Those who know me really well are aware that I am a bookworm. I have been reading books after books since I was a child, and it depresses me to know that children nowadays are forsaking books. Not that I do not like playing video games or watching movies, but making time to read, is the cheapest and most leisurely wonder one can indulge in. I was always attached to libraries - developing a taste for literature such as Little Women, Emma, Great Expectations, and all those children books by Enid Blyton.

Over the years, my tastes begin to change and I experimented widely with books to open up my world. Fiction or non-fiction, I soon began to try books with a vengeance. I read spiritual books, travelogues, sci-fi, fantasy and then surreal books. One day, by chance, I discovered 'Blind Willow Sleeping Women' by Haruki Murakami on the bookshelves in the MPH at Sungai Petani's Tesco and my eyes opened for the first time.

I recalled, I first read the book in my quiet sojourn in Kelantan one day, and I could not put down the book. By the time I finished this collection of short stories, I knew I was more than ready to try his novels. I did not get his books straight away, of course. I was building my Harry Potter and The Wheel of Time collection of books and soon it slipped my mind to buy Haruki Murakami's novels. Until one day, I saw they were selling his books for 50% off for the second purchase that I bought two: Kafka on the Shore and Norwegian Wood.

Something inside me told me I should start with Norwegian Wood first and I am grateful I did. The cover I picked featured a mysterious Japanese girl looking over her bare shoulder at you with an open window in the foreground. She was beautiful - her eyes as deep as bottomless wells, her lips set in a sultry manner. You could say this girl is the girl that most of the book weighs upon, the elusive beauty that the narrator of the novel loved deeply and you could even say, in an obsessive way.

Norwegian Wood

The story started off with the narrator Toru Watanabe, listening to Norwegian Wood playing in the plane as he arrives in a foreign land. The song reminds him of the lady I mentioned earlier - Naoko. The story then flashbacked to when he was a young college student, in the background of the student strikes and political upheavals dominant in that era. After his best friend, Kizuki, committed suicide, Toru was never the same again, as he described in one of the most poignant quotes from the book:

“The night Kizuki died, however, I lost the ability to see death (and life) in such simple terms. Death was not the opposite of life. It was already here, within my being, it had always been here, and no struggle would permit me to forget that”

One day on a train in Tokyo, Toru bumped into Kizuki's girlfriend, Naoko, with whom he had lost contact after the tragedy occurred. They resumed their friendship, spending time together and enjoying each other's company as a mean of wordlessly consoling each other for their loss. Along the way, Toru befriends the older, cynical Nagasawa, who runs his life by a strict conduct that is beneficial yet immoral at the same time. Through this friendship, Toru eases into adulthood very soon, learning very quickly that life is never what it seems.

Then one night, on Naoko's birthday, Naoko had a breakdown and thinking it is a way to comfort her, Toru slept with her. This complicates their already-unusual relationship, in which Toru has begun to fall in love with her. Naoko vanishes shortly after, and Toru is thrown in a state of confusion.

To ease the pain of losing Naoko, Toru joins Nagasawa in pursuing sexual encounters with girls all over Tokyo. He also finds solace from his despair and loneliness in his friendship with his classmate, Midori. Midori is a vivacious, unpretentious, witty and brave young girl who is the complete opposite of Naoko, who is quiet, solemn and fragile. Midori is my personal favourite character, who can be bawdily teasing Toru about sex one moment and then expressing her feelings in a mature way the next.

Naoko reappeared in his life not long after, admitting that she is currently residing in a mental sanatorium. He begins to visit her in her sanctuary and they somehow begin to resume their relationship. Through his visits with her and his time spent with Midori, Toru finds himself being torn between two girls - one who symbolised the melancholy of death and the other representing the vivacity of life.

Murakami cleverly used the conversations between the characters to unearth their personalities, allowing them to speak for themselves - a writing technique that Hemingway used to do. He paints Toru as a simple young man who has a straightforward view on life, which draws the other characters to him. But with Naoko, I find the gentleness of his love very moving. The purity of his love for a girl, who is haunted by death, is filled with tenderness and devotion. He wrote beautiful letters to her, even if she never replied - a gesture that speaks volumes on his feelings for this girl who is out of reach from him. His scenes with Midori are fun as well, as Midori brings Toru's livelier side out with her teasing and shocking comments.

But one scene is a real gem, when he has a heart-to-heart with another tragic character - Hatsumi, Nagasawa's girlfriend. If you have read the book, you know what I mean. There, I feel Murakami managed to move me so strongly I actually cried.

I have reread this book again and again, and I find how poeticly he writes his prose to be an inspiring thing. Each time I flip through it, I always manage to feel charmed under his spell. This is a perfect book to read, in cold rainy days with a hot chocolate ready.

Inhale, Exhale.

2010-09-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

I am simply beside myself with excitement because my one and only favourite book I have read and reread other than Harry Potter is going to be in a movie.

Norwegian Wood, please do not dissapoint me. It is a fabulous book. Trailer looks good and I am so excited. Please please don't let me down!

Can't wait. OMGOMGOMG

All Over the Place

2010-09-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

So…as of today, I turn 23. When I turned 21, it was a force to be reckoned with – I was growing into adulthood. When I turned 22, it was still a shock, but mellowed down. Now that it’s 23 this year…I think I am even mellower than ever. Regardless, it is still a wonder to know that 23 years old, on this very day, I was born to this world.

Nothing fancy this year – my celebration partner is not around because he is travelling for work. Sniff sniff. So I am just going to have a quiet one this year, probably a quiet dinner and just some item hunting.

Thank you all for the incoming wishes, once I can access Facebook, I will thank you all personally.

New things to be obsessed about: (wait, is obsessed a strong word? Whatever)

1. Loving this blog. It combines all the elements I wholly adore: yummy photos, pretty stationery, Korean drama, fashion, etc. My compulsory read on gloomy days.

2. Backdated magazines. I love flipping through the lovely editorials and advertisements.

He's hot stuff alright

3. Wentworth Miller as Chris Redfield. No, I am not a Wentworth Miller devotee, but to see my favourite RE character played by such a hot man is extremely gratifying.

Yum yum yum

4. A game of taboo! Who’s game???

***
A small glimpse of my perfect morning last week:

Salty noodles with egg, iced tea, journal and an Elle mag

River of Tears

2010-09-13T02:48:00.001-07:00

The morning was gloomy – dark clouds and moody skies. I managed to reach the train station in time before the downpour and sat there on the curved bench, watching the slew of rain landing on the rusted train tracks. In the train, the festive season guaranteed me a seat, where I sat facing the window. Rivulets of raindrops trace patterns on the window. Melancholic mornings like today is meant for a good book by Murakami. I flipped open Norwegian Wood, which is my absolute favourite book, as the train coach rocked back and forth in a rattling motion.

So the page that I managed to find was the scene where Toru Watanabe was visiting Reiko and Naoko in the sanatorium, and it was raining as well. They were listening to Reiko playing the Beatles on her guitar and one of them said, “It feels like we are the only ones left on Earth.” And that, strangely enough, moved me to tears. Oh, Haruki Murakami, I should stop reading your books.

There are days when I sit and watch the world pass me by, be it walking pedestrians or passing trains and I wonder if all of us wish we were the only ones left on Earth. We all tread the same land, breathe the same air and drink the water from the same source. In all our similarities, (two hands, two feet, two eyes, you get the picture), internally we are built differently. We walk on this Earth alone, among each other, but always alone and independently. All it takes is a few pitter patter of raindrops to build rivers that separate us island to island.

A Day in West Berlin

2010-09-06T19:56:00.001-07:00

It is 7am in Berlin and the streets are empty. The sky is dark and cloudy, but sunlight manages to slip through the cracks, illuminating the empty sidewalks and parks. A lone man stands on the sidewalk, his hands thrust into his double-breasted suit and his head thrown back. Through the glass windows, I can see the slither of a smile stretching across his craggy face. It was a perfect morning to bask in the wind.

It is 10am in Berlin and the wind rages on, streaking across the air and lifting collars, skirts and hair. The streets are filling up slowly, as blonde and golden haired young girls totter on their heels on the cobblestone pathways as they make their way down to the array of shops at Kurfürstendamm. Elder couples hold each other by the arm as they huddle close to each other, their bulky jackets providing a mercifully warm barrier.

It is 12pm in Berlin and sunlight has managed to find its way out of the dark clouds. By then the streets are full of people – all pounding the sidewalk in search for the next thing to do. A little blond girl stares at me over her plate of pizza, noting my dark hair, tanned skin and red-framed glasses as I take a sip of coffee. I meet her somber gaze, but no smile flickered on her somber face. Her mother turns around and sees me, and fired off a long phrase in German to her – in a manner that can only be mastered by a woman. The little girl finally looked away from me and down to her plate. The waitress in white comes over with my pasta. The bells at Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church start to ring – echoing in the bustling streets.

It is 3pm in Berlin and the interiors of H& M are crowded with shoppers. My arms filled with goods, and I make my way to the cashier, blankly staring ahead. A woman speaks to me in rapid German and I manage a, “I’m sorry.” She looks at me and then mutters, “The line is here.” Apologising for my daydreaming, I stood behind her. Mizz Nina’s recognisable voice blares on the speakers, and I smile at the fact that a Malaysian singer is being played in a Swedish store in the capital of Germany.

It is 6pm in Berlin and the airport lounge is empty. My luggage bag tucked at my feet, I watched as a couple exchange kisses at a seat near the glass window. A businessman, his legs crossed, is sipping at a polystyrene cup of Segafredo Zanetti coffee while flipping through a German newspaper. I watched the neon word of Boarding flash on the calling screen, and stood up to board my flight away from a city I fleetingly walked in.

Scattered Thoughts

2010-08-26T02:16:00.001-07:00

I have been having a million thoughts churning in my head lately, on a myriad of issues that have graced newspapers and blogs worldwide. I have my thoughts on why Indonesians hate Malaysians, and on the food bloggers should eat free issue. I also have a bone to pick with the ‘journalists’ who steered the food blogging issue out of proportion. But alas, the more I frame my argument, the more elusive the idea of writing it down becomes. Maybe, once I have the luxury of time to sit down and frame my mindset, I can draw together a semblance of appropriate words to communicate what exactly I want to say in this private space of mine in the websphere.

For some strange reason, slivers of memories are piecing in the corners of my mind lately, memories I thought I have forgotten: Sitting at McDs with Jan Kee after college, a chocolate sundae at hand as we struggle through our Japanese homework. Clambering over the bathtub in Ridzuan to shower, but never once soaking in it. Performing Indian dance onstage in front strangers. Giggling through the phone with the few best guy friends who make me laugh, while curled up on a colourful floral cushion. Watching my Korean roommate make fruit salad with care and attention. Having roti pisang after exercise session for breakfast with the lovely Indonesian roommate. Waking up at 7am to catch the bus to college.

At times, I wonder how these thoughts manage to stay at the bottom of my consciousness so long – like those shillings you toss into a fountain. It is only lately, while browsing through news like these that these memories are floating to the surface. Things have changed so much now, and today just for a few minutes, I long for the good old days.

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

2010-08-25T03:15:00.001-07:00

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Zedd/Ali,

I still remember when we met online. It was on multi-player online RPG game, Ragnarok Online and there I was, a little thief character with long brown hair plaited, dressed in a busty brown blouse and tan-coloured shorts. I believe I was browsing through the streets of Morroc in the game, when I saw it, the name Zedd on one of the characters in the game. FYI, I was starting to read The Sword of Truth, and if you follow the book series (geek alert!), Zedd was the name of the eccentric wizard who is a mentor to Richard Cypher/Rahl. If you are too lazy to read the movie synopsis, watch the series ‘Legend of Seeker’.

Anyway, I just stopped and asked the character with the name, this cute merchant with blond hair and adorable axe. He said he loved the books too, and as you say, the rest is history – we became friends.

We have lost touch through the years, but I am glad I met you because you were always so funny. You made me laugh so hard when we have phone chats – spouting out sarcastic remarks etc. You were always so kind and provided me all sorts of interesting anecdotes of your travels to Ireland or Arab. Plus, you were the one who introduced me to TGIF (thanks btw!)

I am deeply sorry we have lost touch as time goes by. But you were the first person I thought of when this letter’s topic came up. Maybe we will be close again when we both find that spark back. But I will still adore that little merchant with a big axe and tons of sense of humour.

Love,
Lily

Random Ruminations

2010-08-23T02:58:00.001-07:00

*I think it must be the hard work and rituals attached to the place, but I realise I can’t seem to work as hard unless I am sitting on my work station in office. What can I say? It has been so long, and I have worked so hard on this table. It will be surprising if I was not productive the moment I hit the table. When I am doing work at home, well…let’s just say I will have makeup videos blaring out rather than my work stuff.

*Long weekend of bliss, jam-packed with plenty of catching up with the people I love, time for long distance phone calls with the parents, Daiso-browsing TWICE!!! (my favourite activity! Seriously, how can anyone not go in there and be inspired?), facials. Happiness is moi!

*I have been reading The Monk Who Sold his Ferrari by Robin Sharma. Really good and inspiring stuff. It is not a book to be read, but rather to be studied. I have been a good student, poring over it dutifully last week, studying chapter to chapter until the message stuck. While I won’t say I have been significantly changing my life, I have been slowly making the changes that have been suggested – slowly by slowly.

*End of the month, and September is coming. Where has all the time gone? I am turning 23 soon!!! Gaaaaah!!! Way too fast.

Within the Paradise

2010-08-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

Finally, some pockets of time for myself. After a hectic week of striving hard with my colleages, the seeds of our labours have been sent planted and we now await its fruits. After all that, finally today I managed to wake up late and roll over and sleep again (guilty pleasure I have to indulge in, after so long). After a long time, I managed to take afternoon naps, wheeeee! And after so long, I have a chance to finally and truly indulge in some of my favourite past time: reading.

Don't you just love how, in between two sheets of paper, there is always something to take your imagination away? Is it not amazing how, when you least expect it, sage advice comes in black and white, written by a stranger who has probably no inkling of your existence, or he/she could have been six feet under? I cannot recall, when was the last time, I sat down, a mug of hot green tea in hand and finish a book from start to finish. Liberating.

Thus, since we are on the topic of all that is relaxing and peaceful, I will finally talk about my trip to Bali.

Yes it is a work trip. Yes, I had to work. But I travel so rarely (except to visit relatives etc) that this trip filled up my soul even though I did work along the way. Revisiting these photos brings me back a feeling of joy that is hard to describe in words.

Without a further ado, here we go!

Lining up for check-in

You want to hear a sad story? I went to check in on a business class at the....economy section.Yes, silly old me, went and line up at the economy section. The guy said, and I quote: "Miss, there got red carpet la. Why come here?" How embarassing is that. Regardless, I went to the business line and snapped this photo. This girl in the grey cardigan and nice curves was pretty hot. She wore this three-inch heels and skilfully rolled her bag without tripping. I admire her.

Breakfast at the lounge: Coffee and my nasi lemak

Aren't I so Malaysian? LOL. It was still about seven in the morning when I checked in. Our flight was much later. So, the lovely Emms, who I was with, suggested we catch our breakfast at the Lounge. I browsed through Vanity Fair, snacked liberally and watched TV. When they announced it was time to go, only we started heading to the terminal.

Wine, yes wine, at 7am

There is the usual kaypo I wanna take pics of everything moment....

And not forgetting the obligatory camwhore picture before we board the plane.

I spent the flight watching Valentine's Day, although I watched it already.There was one scene in the movie, when Eric Dana aka McSteamy, was doing his jogging on the beach shirtless. *drool* Heartbreaker by Black Eyed Peas was playing in the background. So apt!

Halfway through the flight, the pilot announced there will be this crater we will see. Naturally, I scrambled for a look. Man, that is one huge crater. From flight above, it looks as big as a pizza, which means it must be HUGE in reality. Holy moly, nature is astonishingly amazing sometimes.

Three hours and one chick flick later, we have arrived at Ngurah Rai International Airport, Denpasar.

I was so jakun to be in the airport to take photos. Before I had absorbed the fast Indonesian chatter and the whole hospitality, I found myself bounded in a van and headed to the hotel where I will be staying for a few days!

Entrance to Lily's private chambers

So anyway, the hotel I was residing in is known for its amazing architecture and eco-friendly methods in preserving energy.There are volcano rocks in our roofs to keep the home cool, as well as the use of sunlight most of the place. Its really beautiful. I don't know how to start describing the place - whitewashed walls, wooden doors, sleek chairs.I will share some of my favourite photos.

Gorgeous isn't it?

I really love this picture. It is of a sunlight slipping through the crack near the outdoor shower. That is my bed headboard on the right. I kinda just sat on the white sill and had my feet wet while staring into space. I blared pop music on my speakers and just stoned during my time off, bliss in all levels!

Outdoor shower

Superbly awesome outdoor shower. Seriously, it is damn awesome when you shower at the outdoor shower. Yes, it is protected with high walls, worry not. It is not THAT outdoor. But the sunlight, seabreeze etc. Perfect for mornings, afternoon and early evening before the darkness comes.Damn scary when that happens.

A postcard view

I took this sitting on my sunbed. My room faces the sea, and I swore to myself I will wake up to catch the sunrise. I mean how often can you do that, in a gorgeous place like this. I did it, only to realise...my room does not face east. LOL. Next time, I need to think more.

The pool was heavenly. I dipped and swam a few times. I love curling up with Murakami on the cabana. Man, that was bliss.

Tea!!!!

The hospitality was pretty superb. Every night, after our work stuff, we will come home to a pot of all sorts of tea waiting for us. I take them in bed watching Discovery Channel, wrapped in fresh and warm sheets.

Baked eggs

This is heaven at 8am in the morning. Seriously. Eggs, baked wit cheese and bits of meat and of course, the pepper.

My nice hostess Rini and myself

This is Rini. She is such a sweetie. The place I stay has this service called hostess, where the person literally watches out for you. She calls me almost everyday, "Ibu Lily, I am coming over to pick you up for your ____(insert blank) appointment." Or,"Ibu Lily, you left your sun hat. I am coming to give you back." And she is always warm and smiling. Balinese have this hospitality thing down pat. Plus she gave us a list of restaurants for us to try out in a printed paper. Sweet or not she?

Our first stop: Warung Made

Apparently, this is the favourite place for many to have Balinese food. Located in Seminyak, we braved through jam and rain for this place.

Warung Made interiors

Decor was simple. Just wooden roof, plants and lots of brown wooden tables and chairs. Old pictures frame the wall in neat lines. The rest ordered their food with such gusto. Me? I just stared blankly at the menu and ordered 'carbonara'.

Fail. I tell you!

BUT, I did listen to a recommendation and ordered the avocado juice with chocolate milk!

Avocado and milk? Hmmmmm....

I know, weird combo. Well, to me, since I am not such a well-traveled soul. But my gosh, this is lovely. Like super lovely. It's rich and creamy, and with the chocolate milk, it was just yummy. What will I do for one right now? *super craves*

Balinese food

I'm shy to post my carbonara (which was good, despite the small portion). But I posted what the rest ordered. Satay lilit (soft and chewy, but I rather have my chewy satay.Preference!), some soup with lemongrass and all and also some fried rice. I tried it all, and came to conclusion that it is not really my palate, it is delicious. Lesson in Balinese cuisine: it is truly full of spices!

Streets of Kuta

What I adore about Bali is, in every corner, tucked between inconspicuous touristy shops are these Hindu buildings that have these lovely allure to it. This little structure was opposite of Warung Made, and beautiful. We will walk past many of those along our journey in Kuta Beach, but man, I admire how they still preserve them.

We walked down the streets. I always had this expectation for Bali because it is so popular and so much is written about the place. But I suppose while I expected better roads and sidewalks (nearly tripped over so many uneven paths!), I suppose its unpolished look has a charm for tourists. The Balinese people are nice and friendly, smiling even as they try to charge you high prices for stuff. Granted if you convert the currency, it is cheap but still. I still find it amazing how cheap it is to buy things at Bali.

And of course, we head to Bali for the beaches!

Full house

It was amazingly full of people: local people lounging after work, hot men surfing (abs!), pretty girls worshipping the sun before it sinks in the horizon. The sands were bouncy and clear, and thick! I slipped off my ballet flats and walked to feel the sands between my toes. Listening to the giant waves crash and children laughing and chattering, I have to say...was therapeutic beyond compare!

Scattered on the sand, were tiny offerings by the Balinese people for the gods - baskets of sweet-smelling pandan leaves, some rics, flower petals. These baskets are strewn all over the sands and the sidewalks, a suresign of devotion of the people. It was humbling to think that the people are so devoted to their rituals and do it everyday without complain. Maybe it kept Bali peaceful.

Kites in the sky

Kites dot the skies of Bali, when I was there. Plenty of them because it is the windy weather. There was one particular eye-catching I saw on my last day - shaped like a ship. It was beautiful and graceful. I can't recall the last time I played a kite. Maybe when I was 13? Abang Chad and WK played with me. They were cycling, their kites tied to their handlebars. They pedalled furiously and the kite gracefully soared. If I recall right, it was a mere simple kite with the strips flying at the side. I want to play a kite again.

Sunset at Uluwatu

Managed to catch sunset at Uluwatu. Cliffs over the ocean.

Roaring waves

I watched the waves crash into the shores below and wait as the first star fills the sky

Menu of La Lucciola

Story jump a bit, but we managed to have our lunch at this lovely Italian restaurant near Legian beach, called La Lucciola. It overlooks a pristine beach, and open aired. We got these lovely seats on the first floor, directly facing the sea. Although it was hot and humid (maybe this was where I got my sunburns), it was amazing - having your meals while staring at the blue skies and water.

How may I help you miss?

The waiters at La Lucciola speak very good English and they are all so dashing. They wear white shirts and blue sarungs as well as a flower tucked into their pendekar hat. I ordered some calamari and pasta as well as some fruit juice. Decadent happiness.

No it is not tiramisu

It's my calamari. It was super-duper, amazingly powerful yummy citrusy calamari. I am serious. It was the most yummy food I had in Bali. Lightly fried, the taste of the lemon is so zangy and provides a juicy taste to the entire experience. So so good. Make sure you order this if you are ever there!

Still waters

One final shot of the hotel.

And hehe...nothing to do with Bali, but how often do you have a chance to be photographed with a supermodel like Carolyn Murphy????

Elegant Carolyn and me

Hehe!

That said, I was kind of tired but Bali was amazing. Or rather, the south of Bali was amazing. While poring over the map that day, I just realised, we covered only but a small portion of the island. Wish I could cover more, but I did promise I will come back another day. I will return and explore Nusa Dua and Ubud this time. I will go to the Temple of the Sea. I will attempt to eat babi guling (apologies to my Muslim/Jewish readers). I will most definitely visit Bintang supermarket and ransack the shelves for more Indomie, Mie Sedap, Taro chips, Ayam bumbu chips, etc etc. I will browse through furniture shops - decadent lamps, ornate mirrors etc. Maybe gaze at more art. Alas, my time in Bali came to an end and I left it with a heavy heart, but fully rejuvenated and restored.

Day 7 — Your Ex-Love

2010-08-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

30 day letter challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear XXX,

I stewed about this letter a little bit. Words never came easy, but I have never had problem such as this. Then I realised why.

The reason why the letter is never written is because I have nothing left to say about my past. I believe my past is already done and I learnt from it. I have exhausted all the things to say. All I have now is plenty of love – directed to this one man I am currently with who not only makes me happy, but understands me in a way even I cannot fathom. Writing a letter to people of my past, who I have goodwill for but no feelings left, is pointless.

So, really, all I have to say for this letter is…thank you for teaching me a lesson in life – that there is always a cloud after a silver lining. There might be no guarantees, but I enjoyed every moment but the past is past…

The man I am with, whose presence in my present, is the one that matters at this point of time. Therefore, I am sorry to say – I truly have nothing left to say to you.

Take care and may you be safe.

Lily

One Phone Calls Too Many

2010-08-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

There should be a line that is drawn between closeness and time apart. How much is enough when you extract yourself from the congestion of people, and retreat to your own self. Experts say you should find time to be alone, to understand yourself better and most of all, to just eradicate the noise from around you. But what if you decide to do that and it works and all you want to do is be alone most of the time? What do you do then?

I can never understand this, and I never will.

Looking back at myself, I am amazed at the speed things have changed. It is easy, even for a moment, to be swept away by the accelerated pace in which my life has changed. Sometimes, when I am taking the train, clinging on the pole, and a vision floods my mind, of me crying, as I struggle to finish the most difficult letter I have to write. I never do remember where I put it after I finished, and that's a good thing because that letter is meant to be kept away from me. But I do remember that exhilarating feeling of being free, of releasing myself from that sheer burden of sorrow and pain.

We are haunted by our past sometimes, and we do our best to put it behind and move on. I know I will never be that girl again but I do miss her sometimes. You know, that girl who was fresh, innocent and naive. I cannot be afford to be her, because I have become jaded. Not TOO jaded, I hope, but I am no longer the wide-eyed girl. But I find her sometimes, hidden in Facebook photo albums, randomly in my journal entries and in my once-in-a-blue-moon correspondence with old friends. She is still there, waiting hopefully to guide me and take me back to the times where was simple and carefree.

The thing about love is, you can never understand it. It can never make sense. It is intangible, powerful, moving and if unsupervised, destructive. Love has healed the wounds of time for me. Call it what you will, but love is the one last emotion I believe in, other than hope and faith.

Day 5-Letter to a stranger

2010-08-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

30 day letter challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Bubz aka Lindi,

I do not think you know me, but when I was about to do this challenge (which I have been sorely neglecting ever since I went to Bali), and the topic of stranger came up.

Well, you are a stranger to me and I am a stranger to you but I have been extremely inspired by your videos. I think you have extreme video presence, and the messages you carry in your videos are truly compelling. Whenever I hear your videos about makeup, or skin care or even just personal anecdotes about your life, I find myself being inspired. You are truly a beautiful person, inside and outside.

I have to say, I admire you. I admire your strength and ability to leave it all behind and start a future in Hong Kong. It is truly an inspiring feat to start something new and different away from home. I truly admire your capabilities and I respect that.

I do hope to meet you face to face one day. Take good care and continue to cheer up!

Love,
Lily

A page out of my travel journal

2010-08-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Blue skies. Infinite blue ocean tipped with white foam. Sounds of gulls calling overhead, shouting over the crashing waves. The salty tang of the ocean breeze. The furious whip of the wind when you stand on the cliff of your choice, watching the clouds glide carelessly in the infinite blue. Bouncy sands, its grains slipping between your toes.

Feeling your skirts flapping against your thighs. Watching the last orange rays sink into the horizon, the darkness swallowing the whole night. Watching the first star twinkle. Standing beneath a powerful shower, allowing the hard water to pound on you and crush everything away.

Lazy naps on plump cushions, snuggled away from the sun. The smell of jasmine. The gorgeous lapping of water harmonised with the chirps of birds and croaking of frogs.

There is always a way to escape the world and in the beautiful island of Bali, I emerge from the shades of my old self - reborn and brand new.

Bali Dream

2010-07-24T21:39:00.000-07:00

I am back from Bali, sunburnt but incredibly happy. My neck burns particularly hurt like crazy, I have been slapping on aloe vera gel non-stop like a crazy person. But is the pain, peeling skin etc worth the joys of being by the beach? I would say, YES OF COURSE! Plus this whole episode taught me a lesson or two about sunblocks and how much more I need to slap on when I am traipsing in the beach.

Travel is like a medicine to the soul. Although packing is a hassle, it never feel me up with excitement everytime I pull out my old blue bag and heap things inside. Whipping out many pouches, stuffing things inside, organising things from medications to travel packs to dresses to pashminas - I adore every moment. Although I dislike travelling so far to the airport, I love the feeling of excitement when the plane takes off, leaving everything behind with its wings.

Bali is magical... I do not know how to describe it, but it has a magical power to the soul that leaves an imprint even after.

Maybe one day (when I am free), I will do my post on Bali. But in the meantime, here is a snapshot of Bali that encapsulates its beauty and enigmatic pull

Oh Bali, aku rindumu!

Day 04-Letter to my Dreams

2010-07-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

30 day letter challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Dreams,

Thank you for guiding the way for me these past few days. You have always been vivid as I sleep, entertaining me as I slumber away peacefully. You were the one who guided me to my real feelings as I was growing up. You projected my subconscious vividly in my mind, so I had to wake up dealing with them to move on with my life.

I recall that dream that tormented me…the dream that told me to forget and allow myself to open my heart for another person. I was so stuck in that mentality, but it took awhile for me to realise that my inner subconscious saw this coming a long time ago. My heart and instinct knew that loving someone does not mean you will be with them, which is why when I discovered myself through that dream…I knew that happiness awaited me.

So Dreams, keep coming into my mind and guide me. Let me learn myself better, because among the chaos of my life, your gentle lessons are needed for me to write the story of my life.

Love,
L

Vacation

2010-07-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

There was a short hiatus on the letter challenge because I was back in SP, where is tons of doing nothing to do. My trip started off with a bang –touchdown at Penang airport before traipsing Penang Road for food. When that did not happen, we ended up in Shangri-La Hotel Penang. Then I did an interesting interview with an artist and then head home to start my weekend away from work.

I did a lot of soul searching while I was away and came to the conclusion that my well was empty – inherently empty – when I arrived. As I spend my days plodding around the house, a book at hand, and feeling extremely blissful, I realised that all my worries, stress and problems fade away. At home, I walked straight and erect because no burden lay on my shoulders – no need to think about dinner, or what I need to do. I just follow my parents.

I met up with my old friends back in SP, which gave me a lot of fun and laughter. Being around people, who were not in my field, who had experiences in other things, made me happy. People who could talk to me about hospital scares, holiday excursions and life in another country. People I could be silly with and talk about our many years of high school together. Not for one moment, when I was with this people –who knew me and cared – I thought about work or my responsibilities and being at a loss.

Here I am, back in KL…tired and exhausted. My eyes are drooping close but I am exceedingly happy and contented. All I want is for this moment to last forever.

Day 03-Letter to the Sibling

2010-07-14T19:38:00.001-07:00

30 day letter challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Kid,

Brothers are special things are they not? They are girls’ first clue in understanding a boy, and they are our protectors throughout our lives –whether we want it or not. They seem to think that only they can disturb or bully us. I remembered the many fair share of torture I had from you – throwing my clothes at my friends, biting me all over my arms, cutting my only Barbie doll’s hair. Then again, I believe I have tortured you as well, kid.

Then there are the nice things we have done together – teach our toys in ‘classes’, our family trips, watching TV together. Although you annoyed me very much, you were also the little boy who once played cards with me till 3am just to find out what happens if you do not sleep at night. You were the one who played video games with me, shouting out FAQ tips with me from the laptop while I played. When I was too afraid to fight bosses in scary games like in RE or Clocktower, I will scream and throw my controller at you and you will do it for me with an annoyed sigh. Waking up early at 6am to prepare food for parents for Christmas, mastering recipes together as a cooking unit, playing games, grocery shopping. You sitting beside me during CNY and waiting for me to greet relatives with the right name before you called them. Me chasing you into changing rooms at shopping malls to force you to buy CNY clothes, with you grunting and complaining. Us devouring chips and chocolates as we laze around the house like bums we are.

I know being in KL makes you happy. I am very happy to have you near now that parents are no longer in KL because I have someone who is always there to talk to when things get rough. You were always protective over me in your own way and despite your grumbles and temper flares, will always indulge my wishes when you see I need it. I know I nag a lot, but I just do it because I want the best for you – just like a parent.

I don’t know how to end this letter, only to wish that you will one day be a fine man who makes another girl happy as a fiddle. Gosh, that is so lame. Scratch that and just see ya around, kid!

Lots of Love,
Your jie jie

Day 3-Letter to the parents

2010-07-14T02:31:00.000-07:00

30 day letter challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Pa and Mi,

I have been told that in some ways, you never miss what you had until its no longer around. I have always note how much you both have sacrificed for me. If you look at the bigger picture, you do not see it. But its in the details – giving us the last chicken wing in a table, waking up early to get us dim sum, travelling down to KL to be close to us for a year, keeping a tab on our growth through countless photo albums and video tapes. Of course, the ultimate la: bearing us through our childhood into our adulthood today.

I am still ambivalent with the idea of kids. I don’t like nor hate the idea–if it comes, it comes. But all I know is, with the both of you as examples, I think I won’t be a bad mother. I might not be perfect, but at least I know I will be able to turn to you both for advice in parenting.

I realise how much I miss you both after you both went back to SP – nights of watching Korean shows, having breakfast at Damas together, Dad’s grocery excursions, our misadventures in KL roads. I miss how I could work late and yet need not worry, because dad will come and save the day, like he always would. I miss how I could just chat with Mum after a rough day at work. With both of you not here, I feel so independent, but yet no doubt, you both have made life easier for me and the adik.

Heading home to see you both (and annoy you both!) in a few more days, can’t wait to be back in the comforts of parental love, PS2 and cheap food again. I did not miss SP very much when you were both here, because after all, home is where you both are.

Lots of Love,
L

Day 02–Letter to the Crush

2010-07-12T17:52:00.001-07:00

30 day letter challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Eric Bana,

We have not met, and the closest we have met is when my friend met you at an event overseas. The best part? She did not know who you were. The thought that you met someone I know is the closest connection I have right now and makes me smile.

I first saw you when you were in Troy. You played Hector with such devotion – rugged hero and soft-hearted family man mixed into one. The part where Brad Pitt hauled your character’s dead body in dishonour made me cry buckets of tears and made me hate him. Until now, I still think he does not hold a candle to you. That, and I thought you have the loveliest eyes and a nice muscular frame in the movie. Cheers to that!

I watched most of your films after, from Romulus, My Father to Star Trek. Last year, I saw you on Time Traveler’s Wife and it made me weep as well. I did not care there were mixed reviews, seeing you play such a complex character moved me in a way I cannot comprehend. That’s what you do when I see you play drama roles – you move me. Your expressive eyes, especially, is a powerful reason why I will always consider you a crush I will harbour forever and ever.

All I wish is that you continue to make drama movies and move me for the rest of my life. I am content just watching you on a cinema screen from afar, if you do that.

Lots of Love,
L

Day 01-Letter to the Best Friend

2010-07-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

Decided to take up the Tumblr challenge of writing letters to people for 30 days. Here is the challenge:

30 day letter challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Here is my first letter – to the best friend.

Dear Q,

Time has passed since we became friends and bonded over Sailor Moon in primary school. Do you remember? We at first disliked each other – but for the life of me I cannot remember why we did. Then suddenly we were sharing the same interests – 911 (Jimmy for me and Spike for you), The Moffatts (Scott for me and Dave to share between you and Hooi Thang), Sailor Moon. Soon we were on the phone everyday, much to our parents’ displeasure. We were always together – tuitions, meetings, clubs, societies and librarians. We went to high school together and went through crushes, heartbreak and triumphs together.

When I told you I want to be a writer, you encouraged me and patiently read my stories. When we went to tuitions, we shared notes and studied together. We were not perfect – we do get to rough patches, we argued, we had breakdowns and we sometimes compete for grades. But through it all, we were always there for each other and we went through obstacles without fear. You are a loyal friend who stood up for me passionately when someone teased me, or bullied me. You are hardworking, smart and incredibly resilient to face all the problems that you faced.

Then when we went college, we went our separate ways. Our phone calls dwindled a lot. Despite that, we managed to keep a strong foundation of our friendship. When we meet, its as if we never were apart. Words flow casually between us and we soon pick up the camaraderie we always had. We stood by each other through every heartbreak and misery that haunts our college years and despite the distance, managed to keep a bond that has yet to fade.

Although we have not been as chatty as we were now that we are both working, I realise that despite all we have been through, old friendships, especially best friends, are more precious than gold. You have touched my life in a way I cannot describe and you have made me the person I am today.

So, now we have agreed TOP and G-Dragon is mine and Seungri, Daesung and Taeyang is yours. Some things will not change after all.

With that, I end this letter with much love and only hopes for our glorious future walking side by side.

Love,
L

Piccie Pic Pic

2010-06-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

I can be quite obsessive about cleaning sometimes. There are days where I really knock myself out by ensuring I remove dust in my room. I am not sure it is the inner Virgo thing or just the boyfriend's influence, but whatever won't kill you makes you stronger right?

Work has been quite busy, but that won't stop me in showing some old pics I have. Hohoho.

1) Steve McCurry

So yeah, this is Steve McCurry, the one photojournalist that all photographers aspired to be.

He was here to talk about photography and to promote the exhibition he has at Islamic Arts Museum. I had an extraordinary privilege of interviewing him, which you can read here.

In any case, his talk on photography was insightful indeed and I took this amateur shot to prove I did meet him. :)

2) New shoes!

Yay, after so long, a new pair of shoes.

I was known as the Shoe Queen in college. Someone asks if I eat shoes for breakfast. Some always asks about shoes after not seeing me a long time. (E.g "Hey, how's it going? Still buying new shoes?") I have a shirt that says 'Sole Searching'.

Then ever since I started my degree, that obsession waned.

I am now proud (or sad, says my wallet) to be looking at shoes again. I adore these pair...makes me feel so rock chick.

Suspension

2010-06-14T23:52:00.000-07:00

Right between the task of trying to find a million ways to describe nuptials and mouthing along to Kings of Leon, I find my mind flickering to how things work now. Changes have happened and all I have been doing is closing my mind and hoping I’ll adapt.

My parents have came to the city and left.

A dear friend, who has been with me since the beginning of my life in KL, has also returned to the simple life.

There are days, when I feel as if I am at this hanging bridge – suspended between two spots. Between the past and future. I am walking continuously and there is no end to the path. There are days when all I want to do, is pack up and go home. To a place where I am able to rest my responsibilities to someone else, to a place where I can always feel comfortable and safe. In other words, make a U-turn down that bridge and head to the start of my journey and stay where I am.

But I know, this is the best for me now. Despite it all, I know I have my brother, who is the only piece of home remaining for me in this big city. I also have my aunt and her family – who never fails to warm me with the love and compassion they give me ever since I came to the city. Also, although he is not a part of my past, I have to say he has been the support I have been leaning on ever since my foundation have been pulled from underneath my feet. He has caught me so many times while I insist on falling – and that made all the difference to me.

So, here is something I realised this morning, while I was awake:

Others may hate me or find me repulsive,
As long as you love me for who I am,
The sun will never go down on me.

Thoughts of Make-Up Gurus

2010-06-10T21:08:00.001-07:00

I used to adore this one particular makeup guru. I really enjoyed her makeup videos, her music, her basic makeup tutorials. I loved how she speaks in a soft soothing voice, and her relaxing music lulls you down. I love how she smiles, her long dark hair spilling over her simple tank top and natural face as she shows you how to create a look against her flowered wallpaper.

Then suddenly this year, there was a change. Instead of sitting with a slight smile near the flower paper, or sitting in natural light,she is sitting in front of fake lighting. Her video style change. Pouting, big big eyes, dyed hair and sexy clothing. In my heart I knew she was not the same and my interest in her videos waned drastically.

While I understand, someone like her with her fame and popularity will be bound to have plenty of haters, but I do not think you can make up so many people complaining about her beauty products. I am still trying to be objective, but it has become increasingly difficult too because my instinct tells me this is not the same girl I adored.

I don’t hate her, and the fact remains, my makeup skills have improved because of her. She made me enjoy and love make up in a way I cannot even describe. It is a form of self expression that fills me up with joy every time I do it. But I believe I have graduated from her school.The old her has my respect, but the new her just makes me lose interest. I guess her market has shifted to a different one.

I found another makeup guru today…this pretty adorable Hong Kong/UK girl with an Irish accent – Bubbi. She is fun, cute and honest – keeping it real in front of the camera, the way the girl I used to adore did. I have watched a few of her makeup videos and enjoyed them tremendously. You can bet I will be watching Bubbi’s video very regularly.

That being said, I enjoyed how passionate Bubbi is when she talks about makeup. She has a megawatt smile and mood that is infectious. So, if you don’t mind, excuse me while I finish watching her romantic evening eye makeup video.

Beauty

2010-06-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

When you speak of beauty, many images cross your mind. A gorgeous flower in bloom, leaning ever so slightly out from a lush green bush to beg your attention. A baby, kicking its hands and feet in pleasure at every delightful sight, smell, touch, taste and sound. Lips, lined perfectly in that red Chanel rouge, smiling at you at the mirror. Slipping a lace chiffon dress gleefully down your body, giggling as the material rustle down your legs and toes. A Haruki Murakami novel or short story.

Beauty. That was what the word that ran in my mind when I peered at myself in the mirror one day as I got ready for a new change in my life. My soul was wrecked by the damage caused by a hulking shadowed monster, and I felt ugly and dark within. It was as if, when things unravelled, it stole the light and rainbows from my heart, leaving behind a gaping chasm that is an eternal void. Hell yeah, I need some sort of beauty to keep the balance. I shrugged on my best top and jeans, my big earrings and high heels. I dusted powder, blush and applied my coral lipstick. I faked a smile so big – it hurt my cheeks. My eyes began to fill with a glimmer of mirth. I might be the girl with a broken heart and fake smile, but dammit I deserve some sort of beauty seeping out of my pores at the moment.

Maybe I knew then, I was about to meet him. On some unconscious level, when I agreed to give the tour to the newbies, my heart knew I was going to find him and forced my entire being to make a good impression. It pushed me to utter that one cheeky remark that coerced a brilliant smile out of him. Then, we had nothing in common – he was just a guy with a Baleno backpack and I am the girl who had nerd written all over her dark-rimmed glasses. But somehow, we found our way across miles, circumstances and a throng of people to each other. That is, of course, light years ago. Now he is the man with a penchant for fast cars and I am the woman who loves to watch makeup videos a little too much. But somehow, everything is even more beautiful than it was at that time.

New home

2009-09-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

Dear all,

I have changed my page, into a more secure area. I moved to wordpress because of the password protection enabled by Wordpress is convenient for me, to alternate between private and public. Without further ado, here is the link

Please do drop by and change the links in your websites if you're linked to me.

Toodly-doo!

Ten and Counting

2009-09-18T02:43:00.001-07:00

Lily is madly stressed.

If I am speaking about myself in the third person, that should show you how INCREDIBLY stressed I am. T.T I am now struggling, STRUGGLING, I tell you, to write about watches. I spent an agonising week flipping through watch magazines and surfing watch blogs to understand each detail of watchmaking. It’s not easy, okay? But today I went for an interview, and I discovered how surprisingly easy it was to talk about watches now. I could ask questions like what is the movement, what is so special about it, how is the dial adorned, etc etc.

I left the interview feeling light-headed.

I am also, if you must know, struggling to divide myself to write across three different styles, which if you ask me, is driving me mad.

My job has trained me in ways that I cannot explain. Now I am not only improving in profile writing (which has always been my favourite), but event coverage (that is definitely using TONS of creative juices), reviewing food, beauty stories and watch stories. I have done an environment story, and even some research-based stories that are slightly medical. It requires a lot of thinking and concentration and I cannot imagine myself doing anything more.

I have changed too, there is no doubt about that. I have learnt to wear a mask. I see it as a necessity if you wish to be successful. I separate myself into two personalities: the real me, which I reserve to my friends and family, and of course, the glamourous me, which is my professional armour. I work very hard to ensure my real self is protected and untainted, because that is my treasure.

Oh, it was a struggle at first. I find it hard to slip between personalities but it is now easy.

*

Ten months together, you still make me smile. I am humbled by your generosity, your kindness. Even though it’s raining heavily yesterday, in your car, the mood was warm, happy and content. Chilli pan mee and mango pudding…you really know what will put a smile on my face.

PMS is easy to deal with, because you are here.

Stress all melt away when you stare at me with so much empathy.

“ At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day; others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes...all you need is one. ”— Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill

That’s what you are. One in six billion.

HAPPY TEN MONTHS! ☺

Birthday Symphony

2009-09-16T00:02:00.000-07:00

Ah, birthdays. Don’t you just love it? I’m turning twenty-two years old today, just two years older than my magazine. I woke up on 14th September 2009 and suddenly somewhere over midnight, I have become 22. Not much change I must say.

Big thank you to all who wished me, from Facebook, smses to phone calls. As usual, two of the best people in the world called me to wish me from overseas!

Birthday Chronology:

6 September 2009: Spent some time with Jason, Grace, Pochi, Jan and Ben at Kissaten, Jaya One. Thoroughly enjoyable if you ask me, because the food was good and I get to catch up with my friends, whom I have seen so little of since I start working. We talked about quite a bit of everything. Thanks for lunch everybody…much appreciated!

12 September 2009: I went with Grace for an appointment in Hartamas Shopping Centre before I attended a dinner with Yuin at Dave’s One Utama! I have not met this girl for ages, and it was good to chat with her. I brought her to my loves: carbonara at Dave’s and then mango loh at KTZ. Although it was two hours, quality was indeed better than quantity, right dear?

13 September 2009: Japanese lunch with family plus bro’s friends Adrian, Janice and Ivan. I had a good time chatting about the hospitality industry and etc etc. Then went for a haircut and shopping with mum.

14 September 2009: After nipping into the office for a bit, I met dear for a day out in the city. We watched Gamer, walked, talked and soaked each other’s company. He stood by patiently while I checked for shoes, clothes and bags while I accompanied him around Harvey Norman and tech stalls in Low Yat. Typical for every relationship, really, but it’s these simple things that means a lot to me. We had a good dinner at Michelangelo; I had my carbonara (of course >.<) while he had this pasta with crabs and tomato (can’t remember the name of the meal) Somewhere while eating delicious food, sipping at calming chamomile tea listening to Quando Quando Quando in jazz and his hand over mine, I felt genuinely happy.

But happiness really came to me, when I reached home and was all alone in my room. Sitting cross-legged on the bed, mentally thanking everybody and every being that has made my life here on Earth great for the past 22 years, from my parents who gave me life to tiny little Mikael and Miu Miu who makes me smile when I come home. Awww, I am feeling the love.

Thanks guys!

*
Something happened this week that made me reconsider my life. As usual I analysed, pondered, deconstructed and mulled over it until it has been turned over and decided at the very core. I realised that it’s true that I have been a lot of a workaholic, and its true that no matter what my heart has yet reveal itself. It’s still prisoned and guarded. I don’t know how to open it, only that I am trying in any way I can.

I know people change, and that’s how life works. But I do miss the old me sometimes. There is a sense of disconnection or surreality when I hear an 80’s or 90’s tune on the radio, and suddenly I am transported back to the days of me cuddling up in my double decker bed as a child, toys strewn about and wondering if growing up is an open door of opportunity or a door that closes behind you the moment you step into it. In that nanosecond of nostalgia, maybe a nuance of my current pulls me back from it.

There is so many of me to share, but its buried, hidden, into my subconscious. Because ultimately this is how I deal with situations. I bury. You hurt me? I buried it deep, so deep it fades from my consciousness, but its still there. Stress? No problem…just take my mind off it and ignore it until it poofs. But what I don’t know is that I lash out at people because of it…or it damages my mental health.

Well, whatever it is….I kind of need my sanity now.

*
We have somehow developed a pattern…you open your right arm with a half smile, staring at me straight in the eyes. I smile at you and scoot closer, tucking myself to your side. You enfold your arms around my waist, while I turn to my side and draped my right arm over your middle.

I look up at you. You smile and kiss me on the forehead. I close my eyes and listen to your heartbeat, singing me a melody without lyrics that somehow soothe my soul. I don’t need words, all I need to do is to look up and read the unspoken tenderness in your eyes.

In that fleeting moment in time, everything is all right again in the world.

Untitled

2009-09-02T01:04:00.000-07:00

I waited for you to arrive, bouncing on the balls of my feet. The quiet carpark reverberated with every bounce, until the deafening sound of engine cut through my thoughts. You drive past and expertly parked next to the pillar. Your favourite spot, of course. As usual, I smile when I see you. Tall, quiet and unassuming, walking with confidence and assuredness. Always so serious. But just like you always do, the moment you see me waiting for you, that smile light up your face, brightening your brilliant eyes with the warmest expression.

With a smile like that, my heart melted to a puddle at my feet.

*
Help me, I’m going to be older by one year again.

*
The answer has finally been found. I am an INFP.

I did the Myers Briggs test many times in a bid to find answers across the months and am very amused by the numerous answers I got. I was an INFJ, then ISFJ. I got ENFJ before too. But none of them related as much as this one.

http://www.keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=healer

A Healer. I might be a unwittingly a counsellor, but not entirely. I am not as patient as a Teacher, nor am I selfless like a Guardian. But Healer I relate. I am definitely an idealist, there is no doubt about that. I like the process of healing others, but I do not counsel nor do I guide. I simply empathise.

Facebook quiz helped me scored this one.

*
I can’t leave Malaysia. What am I going to do without chilli pan mee?????

*
Gmail Bus Stop theme is SUPER CUTE. When KL is raining, the theme shows rain. When its sunny, its sunny (plus a giraffe). Got thunder? Also will have thunder. Snow also got, misty also got.

Never fail to make me smile.

*
Have you watched Up yet?

If you have, remember Partly Cloudy? That cute short film?

If you haven’t, please go and watch it…just for Partly Cloudy. Up is awesome but Partly Cloudy held so much meaning, its hard to not feel touched by it.

Bits and Pieces

2009-08-31T07:19:00.000-07:00

*Eric's place at Hartamas Shopping Centre serve yummy porridge. It's a tad expensive (RM7) for a big bowl, but when dear and I split the meal, its so worth it. Add in the crunchy crackers, soya sauce and pepper and every bite defines comfort food to perfection.

*Roti cheese at the mamak downstairs, opposite of TGIF Hartamas Shopping Centre. So gooooooood.

*Forgiving myself is harder than forgiving others.

Posts in my heart

2009-08-29T21:41:00.000-07:00

I am inside, outside, all over the place. It is amazing how anxious a human can be. I can't even sit down properly and read the newspaper for goodness' sake. It's a long weekend and I am living the standard workaholic executive stereotype: itching to do work. Wtf.

Me: Let's see...oooh, this is good....yes, these heels are gorgeous...*engrossed in newspaper article about fashion*
Mind: Hello? You have a lead to finish writing. Next week! Next week! And October is coming up. You haven't got a dress for the ball.
Me: But, there's AH1N1...don't make me go out there.
Mind: You're surrounded by people. Live with it. But you need that dress.
Me: I KNOW, BUT I WANT A BREAK! BEEN WORKING FOR SO LONG, I JUST WANT SOME PEACE AND QUIET, DAMMIT!
*silence reigns as I continue reading*
Mind: You do realise the other magazine is coming up too right? What about your plans to plan for that holiday?
Me: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Thank goodness for romance novels. So kitchy, simple and fairy-tale like I just could lose myself in it and my brain just shuts up. How sad I am. But whatever works. Happy ending anybody?

*

I miss my Discovery Travel and Living.

I miss Lav and our shopping dates.

I miss my SP room, my book collection. I miss it so much it actually hurts when I imagine myself curled up in the sunny spot of my bed reading Harry Potter.

I miss Sydney. I miss the hot showers with the radio blaring and Aussie DJ's chatting about rugby scores while the whole sliding door fogs up deliciously. I miss taking walks around the quaintness of the suburbs. I miss browsing through clothes that actually flatters my body. I miss the picnics on green grass overlooking the lake. I miss staring in awe at the Harbour Bridge, the Anzac bridge and the Sydney Opera House. I miss having expensive blueberry muffin and coffee in a ferry while the wind whip my hair as we cross the sea to Manly.

I miss having seafood at the Sydney Fish Market. I miss walking around Sydney City on my feet till it hurts and yet there's adventure at every corner. I miss the majestic library at Sydney, where rows and rows of books await me.

I miss the feeling of riding a bus, MP3 plugged into my ears and watching sceneries go by.

I miss checking in at the airport and waiting eagerly for take-off and landing.

Pleasures that I can't wait to experience soon after the entire end-year madness blows over!

Teoh Beng Hock case update

2009-08-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

My mother was happy last night. Why? Because we were surfing through online and we found out there is hope, after all. Miniscule,maybe. But hope nonetheless.

http://mt.m2day.org/2008/content/view/25886/84/

I quote my mum, “There might be bad people, but there are good people as well.”

To the mysterious individuals who expressed guilt and humanity and justice, you truly are an unsung hero.

Justice system can be skewed, and one might be able to control everything from the law to people and all for their benefit. But at the end of the day, we all leave this world to the same place, where your judgement will be decided.

I am happy and proud knowing there are people out there who made an effort to step up and reveal publicly the scandal.

Power buys you everything, except salvation. Let’s see you get out of this one.

Cheesy Post You Don't Wanna Read

2009-08-18T00:49:00.000-07:00

As usual being busy keeps me from blogging. What with the magazine closing, and parties and events and catching up with friends and family, its hard to find time to update my blog. Twitter might be fun…but I don’t know. Nothing is more therapeutic than blogging away.

Anyway, I want to talk about something very important to me: family. You know that old adage saying: a family that eats together stays together. It’s quite true. I won’t say that my family and I have the TV advertisement relationship, where we smile and laugh over the dining table while my mother serve up the steaming plate. Truthfully, its mostly silence and an occasional business chat between my parents, while me and my bro eat up quickly to go back to our TV or PS2. My mother seldom cooks and my dad does the tapauing for dinner. But the ritual of dining is so ingrained in our family: us sitting in the same location at the dining table, mum laying out the dishes, dad throwing the rubbish, me and CE doing the washing. It’s so natural for us to fall into this routine that it brought us irrevocably closer.

Nobody is perfect, not me, not my parents, not my brother. We clash like any people who live close to each other do, and we do have silent treatments and ridiculous argument over phone bills, diet and who leaves the door open. But we are close. We have dinners together, we spend time together and we support each other. I might not show it but I love my annoying little brother to bits, and everytime we fight I would cry because it hurts me so much that we fight. Even now, whenever he snaps at me, I would feel so much hurt, even though I know he did not mean it. That’s not to say I never blast out at him either. We just found a comfortable pattern to fall into.

Every single day I am grateful that I am lucky to have such a wonderful family, who have supported and loved me despite all my weaknesses and flaws. Trust me, my first few months working is made easier knowing that there is someone who listens sympathetically, someone who offers me Korean drama and decadent chap fan (Yes, we still tapau) to drown my worries away. I believe in the importance of independence, but I still have much love for my parents, who probably are the top two cheerleaders in my life.

On a separate note, I should blog about my life, which a thousand things are pending like mad. There is the Estee Lauder staff sale that I went with Janice, the August Man anniversary event, the ups and the downs, the dinners and interesting finds I have while moving around KL City. There are also the books I want to share, the meetings and advices that had moved me. But there is absolutely no time.

Well…when I find time, I will update kay? But it’s gonna be hard as I now have a personal side project that is 25% on the move. Whee!

Insecurity

2009-08-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

You cannot erase the past,
But you cannot ignore it every happened.

I can't get over it, even though it means nothing to you anymore. It's a feeling deep in my skin. Everytime I am reminded of it, I feel so insecure. So insecure.

To the Roots

2009-08-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

That's where the answers are.

I think.

I am trying, really, to find a foothold. To be successful, you must adapt. That's what they say. But when glimpses of your past come afoot, you are confused. You could be spoilt for choices. And then confusion comes.

Hence the neverending MM.

No more. I swear. Enough.

Short bits and pieces

2009-07-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my job, I am very, extremely fortunate to meet a few individuals who give my life colour. There are too many of them, and all of them probably would not appreciate if their privacy are breached in naming names. But I can tell you, yesterday I chatted with one person, who I shall call NZ. He is one of the nicest guys ever, and he totally can make you feel like you have known him for ten years. Anyway, he gave me an insight on how to chase your goals etc and it really revved up my spirit. NZ, you are totally, incredibly awesome and I support you a 100%!

Another advice is from a person I would call CA. I have learnt more from CA through observation than anyone else. I have the deepest respect for his accomplishments, and I feel he is a mentor of some sort. The other day he taught me to open my mind in a way that is different than others.

“Listen to many kind of music. Watch a movie you don’t usually watch. Read books you normally do not read. Then ideas will come pouring in. Be open to inspirations.”

For the record, he has done so many amazing work (yes he is involved in art and creative design) to prove his genius.

*

I had a lovely time last weekend. To my girlfriends, I am so sorry I have not spent enough time with you. I know we are all busy and yet you girls are always in my mind and heart. Maybe once things stabilise for all of us, it would be better. I’m just happy seeing you all and laughing and chatting again.

I was telling Jan, we need to have a girls holiday. Early next year maybe?

*
Kenneth Ooi, you ran to Australia and did not contact us to say goodbye! Herh!
LOL.

*
Nine months, baby. I’m lucky to have you. So lucky.

Eh, you also lucky to have me ok?

LOL.

But anyway, we are both lucky. Thank you for the comforting words, for the beautiful support. Your compassion and kindness always makes me feel so grateful. Thank you for the unwavering faith you have given me. You give me room and space to improve, remind me of the goals I need to chase, and inspire me everyday in your quest for answers.

☺

*
Stressed, stressed, stressed. Yet happy. Strange much?

Restless Body

2009-07-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

I found out yesterday I have a restless body.

Before you think its some sort of innuendo, let me explain. Yesterday after goodness knows how long, I finally booked a facial and got myself some pampering. The lady who did it for me is really nice, very gentle and very understanding.

So what happened was, I lied down, ready to be pampered like a queen. The lady covered me up to my chin in towels and initiated the whole process. Next thing I knew I was struggling out of the blankets to sit up because I cannot, for the life of me, lie down there when she was about to pamper me!

Trust me, I tried. The moment I lied down after ten minutes I felt anxious and itched to break free. It only got better after she agreed to let me sit up while the mask dries up. So for the first time in the history of the facial salon (she told me this), a customer does her facial seated, because lying down for forty five minutes gave her anxiety attacks.

>.<

I sort of guessed why already. I cannot sit still. Even at home, if you ask me to lie down and stare at the ceiling while I mask, or if I am waiting for the laundry to finish, I cannot just do nothing. I must have a magazine in front of me, or a book....or a movie. The only times I sat down and focus is when I am having my meals....or doing my work. Duh even when eating I need to have a newspaper/book/mag to flip through.

That's it. I need to resume meditations >.<

The Real Self

2009-07-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

I read this article on an old, old issue of Oprah that says: To find your happiness, you must first know yourself.

After much contemplation, I cannot how stress how close to truth this is.

You cannot choose a favourite piece of painting without knowing yourself. How could you know if you like abstract paintings...or romantic watercolours if you do not understand the message the painting is speaking to you? Most buy art based on what people told them is good. But how do you know what works for you if you don't understand yourself?

You cannot decorate your room if there is no stampness of you: how you like to shoe-shop (a lovely shoe cupboard), a romantic person ( a bilboard of love poems collected across the years) etc.

We stamp little pieces of ourselves; the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the books and art we buy, the movies we watch. They all represent our identity, our whole picture. The biggest challenge is discovering the connecting ties within each stamps to the true essence of our character.

Memory

2009-07-10T03:06:00.000-07:00

It was late at night. It was her first night in Australia. She glanced at her family members sleeping. Unused to the jetlag, she crawls out of bed and stepped on the cool tile. The first blast of cold wind chilled her, so she shivered convulsively. She draws a blanket around her and slip out of the sliding doors to the living room.

Unlike Malaysia, where it is windy at night, here it is chilly. She stumbled to the kitchen, found the packet of instant tea. Carrying the lovely warm mug, she found a position in the couch and plugged in her MP3's, the song that was playing was Wonderwall by Oasis.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

She did not know why. She cried. She just cried, letting the tears fall down her cheeks. After all, did she not show what a coward she was? After all, did she not build that wall around herself after being dissapointed? But she knew it rang true. She now had a wonderwall, and she was never gonna let it go.

With that decision in her mind, she went back to sleep.

The End. LOL.

Trust

2009-07-09T03:04:00.000-07:00

They say one day your trust is gone and it is hard to win back.

I had laughed at it, scorned at it really. Until it happened to me.

Now my trust is gone. It's like a poison eating under my skin. I don't need to explain. I don't owe anybody any explanation. But I don't trust you anymore. There is that.

Psychology is interesting really. On one side you have those who worship their shrinks and enjoy having someone to actually listen to their problem. And on the other side, you have the conservatives that know that psychologists or shrinks just tell you something you know anyway. Heck, why pay the money?

But chances are, hearing others telling you what you already know usually leaves a bigger impact. That's just how it works.

It's like I know I don't trust you anymore. But I just need someone else to tell me that so that I can accept it as truth and move on.

You take me for granted. You never, ever think of my feelings, my efforts, my face or my thoughts. You just barrel ahead. I don't even know why I did not listen to that gut instinct of mine nagging at me lately. There is no more words to each other other than the trust is gone.... and as of now, I refuse to let the bitterness and anger cloud my judgement anymore. Only goodbye.

I wish you well. I wish you happiness. But above all, I hope you find what you are looking for.

Disclaimer: This isn't talking about the hedgehog...so please don't suddenly shoot him glares okay?

Edit:
Don't bother asking me who I am talking about, because you won't get the answer. ;)

RIP Michael Jackson

2009-07-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

(RIP Michael Jackson 1958-2009)

I know this is a late entry, but I want to at least spare one entry in my blog for MJ. I know the topic of MJ was blogged to death, but I think it’s hard not to. Here is a man, who rose through things to become one of the greatest performers in the world. Media scandals and abuses aside, here is a man who brought us the magic of music, who sought to change the world and the way we know it.

Personally, I get very angry when I hear of people speak ill of him after he’s gone, especially on those lame jokes, like oh, there goes a freak etc. He is gone…and that’s it. His trial was never fair; it was a media circus all over. We will never know what he did and did not do. The truth died the moment he stopped breathing, because we do not know who gives us the right to judge? Or make jokes at his expense?

I did not watch his entire memorial (duh, working!) but last night, on the radio, they played Paris Katherine Jackson’s emotional tribute to her father which is what everybody has been talking about lately. Immediately after they played “You’re Not Alone”, which actually make me so sad. Then at that moment, it sank in. He’s gone.

He won’t be making music for us anymore. He will no longer be making a big comeback. He won’t be coming to Malaysia to perform. There will be no more chance for him to stand up for himself or reveal the truth of all the allegations against him. We, the world, are really alone because the King of Pop…the King of Music, really…has left us behind in such a sudden, we are bereft even though the last dust has fallen to the ground.

My favourite memory of MJ was how my brother and I would play Grand Theft Auto and while we are busy running amok in our cars and motorcycles in Vice City, the radio stations in the vehicle would always play Billie Jean. Or of me watching the miniseries and crying when little Michael was whipped onscreen by his father, because I was so young and the pain on his face was too much for my young heart.

What’s your MJ memory?

PS. Oh, he's a Virgo.

Jodi Picault and Big Bang

2009-07-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

I think she is one of the awesomest writers around.

I really do. I can reread Tenth Circle again and again, and be dazzled by her story. She is truly a wonderful writer. The amount of details and life she channels into her stories are truly amazing. I cried reading the Sister's Keeper. I felt deep compassion and chills reading Nineteen Minutes and Change of Heart. I had deep confusion reading Tenth Circle, and yet I relished the entire read...slowly unraveling the plot like a warm cinnamon roll with crunchy sugar on top.

Taking the trains did not seem so bad in the morning with Jodi Picault to pass the time.

That...and Big Bang playing in the my MP3.

Who is Big Bang? It's a famous Korean boyband that is currently making waves in South Korea. Before you dismiss them for sappy songs, take a listen to this song Haru Haru. They mix ballad and rap effortlessly, making the song such a lovely listen...I kept repeating the songs over and over again!

(That's ToP from Big Bang. So hot. I never like a rapper before....and he is the first I actually liked. Like his evil smile from the video below)

Spinning Around

2009-06-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am so so so tired and exhausted. I don’t know why my brain is non-functionable today. Must be the hectic weekdays that is very crazy nowadays. I need to take a break and figure things out.

Maybe I belong to an old school of thought, but I am wondering about blogging, about it being a profession. I wonder is it true that blogging is the new media now? Granted, newspapers are not what it seems anymore…but blogging seems to be the new wave. Advertising channels like Nuffnang and Advertlets is making a new wave for marketing techniques. I admit that it is a fantastic business model, and it taps on the trend that is so viral nowadays that now you cannot attend an event without bloggers snapping away with their amazing cameras,

There is a thought that I have, see? It’s like a brand. If it becomes mass, then what is so special about it? Like a bag that has no brand or a Hermes bag, there is vast difference in price and status and all that. So if everybody wants to be a blogger and it is now mass, can it be sustainable in long-term? What sets one blogger above from another?

How do you succeed as a blogger as a profession when it’s a tight tight competition out there?

I’m might blog but this blog is for me to have personal thoughts and a record, but no more than that. I am just curious because I read so many blogs (see my sidebar) and all of them are so different and there is more pages growing everyday. I just got to thinking, it’s a great trend, but if the blogosphere becomes saturated, then where do you go from there?

Okay, I think I am just making my headache worst by asking questions like this. >.<

New layout

2009-06-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd take a leaf out of Max's book and change my layout.

Kinda fun to play with html again.

Lovely day today....further details later. Hehe.

Toodles!